4th of July weekend

Makenna started crawling last Thursday! She loves crawling to herself in the mirror in our bedroom. Then she just sits up and talks to herself and tries to grap herself in the mirror. TOO CUTE!

Things have been crazy the last two weeks. Busy busy! The trip was nice, stressful at times, but for the most part nice. It would have been nicer if Eli was with us. The kids had a great time. Makenna - GOD BLESS HER, she was such a good baby the whole time. What a trooper!
4th of July was also busy. Saturday I worked and then we went to Brad and Joanns cottage. Sunday I wasn't feeling well so I did a lot of laying around. Monday I babysat. Later that night Eli, the girls, and I headed out to the boat with my mom and dad for a great barbecue. We all stayed the night on the boat. In the morning Eli and I went to JAH to do boarders (a dreadful task which I hate). Then spent the day out on Lake St. Clair. Back to JAH around 6:00pm then back to the boat to watch the fireworks. They were great. Makenna loved it. She watched so intensely the whole time. Then had to drive 1 hour home. I was in the car a little over 5 hours that day. More than I wanted, but worth it. Makenna went swimming in the lake for the first time in her little raft. SHE LOVED IT! Olivia went in the water this time, I was proud of her. She also went in the water at Brad and Joann's cottage. She doesn't like going in water when she can't touch. She did it! She did really great! Erika on the other hand, you can't get out of the water! She is very independent! I wish the girls weren't afraid to go under the water or jump off the boat. I know they would love it if they tried.
The past week, I've been trying to catch up with chores. I have managed to get both my bathrooms done, our bedroom, the van (that took 4 hours) and I am currently working on the basement. I want to be a more organized person. I'm trying to stick to one task at a time.
Last night we could up on our family movie night (usually is on Fridays). We watched Dreamer. Eli and I loved it! The girls didn't make it, they fell asleep half way though. Makenna has been sick the past couple of day with some bumps and a fever. I was told by the doctors office that it is just a virus and treat the symptoms. Today she's doing better. Her fever is down and the bumps are getting better.

Somethings have to change

Well I'm on day 2 of my yoga/pilates work out and I am sore, but proud of myself.
I love Ana Caban. She is a great pilates instructor. Her body is awesome (and NO, I am not gay). Earlier in the week I was having a sorry for myself attitude. Strait to the point, I AM TIRED OF IT! I decided I have to do something. I am irritated that I am and irritated! There has to be something better. Usually about 9 - 10 months after child I get into this attitude and that starts a distant relationship with Eli. I can't go through it again. So I AM going to exercise. My goal is to do it 4 times a week. Maybe it will help. If it doesn't, it won't hurt anything.


I also started reading again. I started my Captivating book again and I started to do the workbook.



Tuesday night, after work, Diane and I are taking all the kids to Cedar Point to meet up with Mom and Dad. They are going on a 1 week boat trip on Lake Erie.  I'm not sure if we are going to do the park or the water park, or both. My dad offered to stay back with Makenna. I'm not sure if that would be a good idea since I don't think he has ever changed a diaper in his life. Should be interesting. I am looking forward to getting away from the house and letting the kids just have a blast. They seem sooooo bored lately. Erika is complaining that she misses school.

Saturday is Rebecca's 30th surprise party. I'm going stag. Actually Rianne and I are going together. We don't have a sitter and there isn't really anyone Eli will know, so I don't think he really wants to go anyway. I don't remember the last time Rianne, Rebecca, and I hung out together. I think it was over 2 years ago, and that was just dinner. How sad. We are all at fault for growing so distant, but I think most of the blame can be put on me. Should be fun. Rianne needs a good night out, with all that's been going on.

Busy Weekend

Friday, Eli went away to a men's retreat with some guys from church. He seemed to have a great time. Kimmy and I watched the family stone. I didn't like it. I am not a Sara Jessica Parker fan. She annoys me. The movie, I think, could have been better.
Saturday, I had to work. After work, the girls and I headed off to the church property to watch the guys put up a huge tent. Impressive! The girls had a great time running around with Madeline, Emily and Samantha. Makenna was a good girl! After that we went to Kurts for hot dogs. By that time Eli was exhausted, so we ended the night at a reasonable time.
Sunday we all went to church and came home and made lunch. After lunch, Eli and Erika took a nap. Olivia, Makenna, and I just hung out. I barbecued our dinner. Hamburgers, squash, and zucchini. I did it all with a little help and some 2 cents from Eli. I was pretty proud of myself. After dinner, we had family movie night. We watched cheaper by the dozen 2. LOVED IT!
After the kids went to bed. Eli and I had some alone time. Which was much needed. It was nice. We did some talking, recapping on both our retreat trips and read a little from the bible together. Eli had a verse that he really like and he shared it with me last night.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Today, was going really well until around 10:30. Marina is in one of her moods today. I'm not sure how I can continue with this. I find myself getting very frustrated every day I have her. She is a lot of work. If she would just take good naps, I think things would be better. I'm having a lot of mixed emotions right now with the whole babysitting situation. I just hope I am doing the right thing, for Marina, Kimmy, my girls and for myself.
I really wish money wasn't a big issue in my life. I hate being in debt! I am truly happy that my girls are in great schools and is in a safe environment but it really set us back. Credit cards are the devil. Being on maternity leave with all the girls set us so far behind especially with Erika and Olivia from being on bed rest. We never really caught up. Our car situations didn't help much either. We were dealt one lemon after another. I am just sick about it, to the point, I just want to throw up when I do the bills. Eli and I make pretty good money, but we can't even enjoy it because it goes to all the bills. After bills now, there is nothing left. I pray everyday, that we can make it.
I'm thinking in September, I should go back to work. I'll have to put Erika and Olivia in after school programs and get Makenna into daycare. I have to do a little research on all of it, but I think this is where I am at. I am so worried about our future. With college and weddings and retirement. We have nothing invested, nothing saved. It's very frightening. It was ok when we were in our 20's. It seemed like we had a lot of time to think about it. Now it's like a huge slap in the face. HELLO - WAKE UP what have you been doing all this time.

Graduation

Erika graduated from kindergarten at Miller. She will be going to Lindbom in the fall as a 1st grader! Her teacher told me that Erika is in 98% for reading. She must get that from her Daddy. She also had her ballet dance recital and she did a beautiful job. She gets that from her Mommy.














Olivia graduated from 4 year preschool at Tot Spot and will be going to Miller as a Junior Kindergartner next year.













Makenna has her 2 bottom teeth and is FINALLY sitting up by herself. We are working on the crawling thing.
All my girls make me so proud. Frustrated, but proud. I can't believe a whole year just flew by like that.

Memorial Weekend

Well, I didn't go on my girls trip over Memorial Weekend, even though it was much needed. Bill (Papa Schultz) came in town and spent some time with us. Over all it was a great long weekend. Eli and I both took time off. So we did get to spend a lot of family time together, which was also needed. The girls love their Papa Schultz! We took our first trip out to Nana and Papa's boat. Great weather! Erika and I ended up getting the flu that day which was a huge bummer! Then proceeded to go through the rest of us one by one.
One great thing I love about Bill is input about everything. There is never a dull moment. There is always something to talk about. He has great stories! He has lived a life! I do wish he would find his true love. I think he would make some woman out there very happy! He has a great feminine side. He has a wonderful love for women in general. He took me shopping at the outlets and we had a blast! I never really went shopping with a man before. Eli hates shopping and gets very irritated.
It's too bad we don't get to see Bill very often. I feel bad that Eli's family is so far away.

It is May

Last week was a little rough on me though I did survive. Eli and I were fighting, Marina was horrid, and Erika was mad at me for not taking her to ballet.

Saturday Diane and Kimmy came over, while the boys went to the Kurts for poker. Before the guys left, Eli made dinner. Ribs, kielbasa, cheesy potatoes, and my famous tomato salad.  ELI ROCKS and did an awesome job. I'm not one who likes ribs, but they were great! He was so proud of himself.

Sunday we went to church, which was a great service. Olivia and I took a nap together. Then we all went to Outback for dinner. I didn't sleep very good last night. I was tossing and turning all night. I've had so much on my mind lately.

Erika is loosing teeth left and right. It is making me realize that she is growing up. I can't believe she is going to be in 1st grade. I had Olivia tested for junior kindergarten on Thursday. Going back and forth on whether I should hold her back or not????  This school year is almost over! It has gone by so fast.

BUSY BUSY month! Erika and Olivia both have so much going on with school events. Eli starts golfing this Thursday. Everyday life is so busy anyways.

I was invited to go away for Memorial weekend with Cathie, Lori, and Jen. So I have something to look forward to at the end of the month. Hopefully it will help the month go by that much faster.

I am the big 3-0

Eli is the greatest! He threw me a surprise 30th birthday party at my parents house. It was so great (except for when I was worshiping the porcelain gods)!

It was a beautiful night. Most of the evening I sat outside by the fire and talked. It made me realize how important family and friends truly are. I had no idea.  Love celebrating my birthday with my friends and family!!!  I felt so loved!

It's official. I am now 30. I'm ok with it. On my birthday Diane and I took the girls to the Lansing Zoo. Sunny beautiful day in Michigan!  The kids loved the animals. Afterwards we had a barbecue at the Meadors house. Jeff and I, once again, whooped Diane and Eli in euchre.

Eli and I watched Walk the Line. Loved it. I'm not a big Johnny Cash fan but I absolutely love Reese Witherspoon, I think she is a great actress.

Marina

Marina at her baptism. 4 generations of Burkhart!

Four Generations

Great Grandma and Makenna

Great Grandma with Erika and Olivia

FOUR GENERATIONS!

Easter Weekend

I had no time to be tired. I spent my morning on the phone. Makenna and I went Costco shopping with Marina and Kimmy. Bobby and Eli had to work on the leak problem on the roof. In the evening, Erika and Olivia colored Easter eggs. They did a great job. Then Eli and I put the kids to bed and got down to business. (not that kind of business) I had to get the house in order. Eli stuffed and hid the eggs and I worked on baskets. It took me 2 seconds to fall asleep when my head hit that pillow!

Early Sunday morning we did our traditional egg hunt. Then rush to get ready for Marina's baptism. Marina looked like an angel. She did great! I have to admit, I do NOT miss Catholic mass. It was a little painful, especially with 3 kids. It was 1 1/2 hours. It felt like years. I still have most of the mass memorized. I'm not sure of that's sad or if I should be proud of that???

After the baptism, we headed off to Kim and Bobs for brunch. Then off to my mom and dads for dinner with the family.

It was a great weekend. The girls had so much fun all weekend! They were behaving like little princesses and I was so proud of them. It's good to just step back a little and watch them do their thing. I've really been trying hard to watch my control issues. It's been paying off. I've had a great sense of CALM this weekend. Busy as it was, it was a great feeling.

My brokeback weekend

Friday night, Eli fell asleep on the couch around 9:00. I played backgammon till around midnight.

Saturday, the girls and I went to Kurts for pizza. After dinner, Cathie and I watched Brokeback Mountain. It was a little more graphic than I expected. Some holy crap, I didn't think it was necessary to go that far moments.

It took us a little over 3 hours to watch a 2 hours movie. We had a few interruptions from the kids and we kept having to shut it off because we didn't want the girls to see what was actually on the screen. Olivia and Emily stayed up too late. Olivia was so tired Sunday morning. 

Sunday we went to church and after we went to a Easter egg hunt. The girls had a great time! They ate a ton of candy. When we got home, the girls and I all took a nap together. I don't even remember the last time I took a 3 hour nap. IT WAS GREAT! Eli cleaned the garage out and returned bottles. The garage looks fantastic! He did a great job.

Just Rambling

 


Olivia's my chapstick and gum addict.  She has finally found something else to eat. This morning I went to put in my contacts and they weren't in my case. I thought that maybe I put them in a different case or I was going crazy. Olivia comes up to me and says "Mommy I ate them and they are in my tummy".

WHY does my child do this? Why does she seek things out to put in her mouth?  So apparently there is something else I need to start hiding from her. Sometimes I wonder what goes through her head. She truly is a special child!

Today I took the girls to get their pictures taken at Olan Mills. I think their pictures turned out pretty good. I really slacked on getting their pictures taken professionally. I do know that next time I take them, they will have separate sittings. I didn't know my kids could completely trash one small room in such a small amount of time. So sorry to that wonderful photographer!

I overheard Eli telling Olivia she was so beautiful. Then Olivia proceeded to tell Eli that he was a handsome big man. It was cute. I just started laughing. I don't think Eli thought it was as funny.

Speaking of Eli, I am now apologizing for ever getting angry to Eli for playing euchre or pool on the internet. I always thought it was a serious waste of time and it annoyed me that he was on the computer all the time. My reason..........I think I could become a backgammon freak! I started playing online on pogo last night and I didn't want to stop.

Everyday life

I have caught up.  I want to keep up with my blog, finding the motivation and figuring out when to have the time to actually sit and think about when just happened is time consuming. 

Makenna and Marina are napping. Erika and Olivia are outside playing. For a moment it is actually quiet in my house. What a beautiful sound!

Cathie and Emily came over for lunch today after gymnastics. Emily and Olivia were moved up to kindergym at Infinity Gymnastics.

I need to vent about some issues that are going on around work with gossip. There are just some days I am so fed up. I have issues with trust, especially with other women. Being a woman, it is difficult for me to say this but I just don't understand women. The games that are played and the back stabbing. I'm not saying that I am never at fault for anything, because I certainly have provoked situations. I just don't understand the reasons behind it.

Why can't women just be friends? True friends, without strings attached. To be honest. I feel like I'm on the defense constantly. I feel like women are constantly striving for attention, and if they don't get it from whom they desire, they take down any woman that they feel threatened by in the process.

Men just seem easier to me. I always had more guy friends until I was with Eli. They were always easier to talk to and easier to hang out with. They are honest and you didn't have to worry what they said about you when you left the room. They would say it right to your face and everyone would laugh about it.  Well maybe not all men, some did try to get in my pants...but once you set them strait, they are true friends. Men are just horny and stupid sometimes, it's not personal. Luckily I was the 'cute' that liked to party and not one not the 'pretty' ones. It was hard to offend me with dirty jokes and God knows what else they talk about.  Most of my life I was just one of the guys.

I know I am overly sensitive. I HATE confrontation and rejection. It truly frightens me. Sometimes I am not true to myself. I cannot stand when someone is angry with me or if they have bad feelings towards me. I get this horrible feeling inside. So I do run like the wind when things get too heated! I'm afraid to stand firm and be who I'm meant to be. Lately I've been really trying hard to go to God about it. To pray about it, and let him help me along. I just get impatient when things don't change right away.

I thank God everyday for the greatest friends that do trust and I have in my life today! I do believe that there are women that are sincere. That feel the same way I feel. I just need to realize that some women are in different stages in their lives. I just need to step back, be who God wants me to be and forget about it. Just give it up to him and he will do the rest. Wanting to change and actually changing are two separate things. This is my struggle, for today anyway.

March 2006

In March, we took our annual trip to the Great Wolf Lodge in Traverse City. This year, I wasn't pregnant, so it was much more fun. The kids had a blast. They are getting older and I love watching them enjoy big kid stuff more and more.  Jeff and I killed Eli and Diane in euchre.

I started babysitting Marina three days a week. For the most part, it is going pretty well. I definitely have my ups and downs. Not because of any child in particular, just being more of a stay at home mom and dealing with them all day and all night. Somehow I'm trying to juggle babysitting, working, being a Mommy of 3 and juggling housework and laundry. I give full stay at home moms a lot of credit. I like my 2 days a week at work. Some days I wish I worked full time. Some days I wish I didn't work at all.

My Aunt Martha (my Grandma's sister) died this month. She lived in Denver. I didn't know her all that well. She was a very angry person. I did feel bad for my Grandma though. She is loosing all of her friends and now her sister. It must be very difficult being older and loosing everything you know around you.

My Auntie Chris found out her ovarian cancer is progressing.  It's hard to imagine having a Mom with this disease.  CANCER SUCKS!!!!

A big event of the month would have to be that Eli had a vasectomy . I was sad. I cried a little too! I have to admit. But I think I was sad for the wrong reasons. I think I am afraid that Eli and I will never have that wonderful child birth experience. The one where you look at the love of your life and know that you love them at that moment more than ever before. Eli and I were always great at the whole childbirth experience.  All very different, but wonderful. If Eli had not been there, holding my hand, walking me through it, it wouldn't have been that great!

Eli is my soul mate. The love of my life. I can just look at him and have instant relief. That "everything is going to be OK" feeling. I just remember the talks that we have had right after the girls were born and sobbing because I just wanted that feeling again. The ultimate love feeling you have for your child and for the father of your children. I know I don't want any more children. I love the three I have with all my heart!

I didn't think I could handle any more children. I feel like I am screwing them up already. Having the vasectomy was a good thing (not for Eli of course) but the right choice. I just have this weird feeling of closure that I wasn't ready for. 

Eli and I alway seem to work great as a team under pressure. During chaos we are one!  Always on the same page during really stressful times. It's the every day stupid stuff we seeming to have a hard time with from time to time. Sound crazy. It's just how it is.

Captivating Retreat

In February, I went to a womens retreat in Colorado with Cathie, Sherry, Alisa, and Shannon. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life. It was called Captivating. It's hard to believe it was 2 months ago. It is so sad that I am starting to forget the trip already. Especially when I swore to myself I wouldn't let myself forget. 

The first couple of weeks home, I was a changed person. I was calm.  I was at peace.  Now, I feel like I did before I went. It was so beautiful there. So peaceful. It makes me realize how important it is to journal. Words and pictures can bring you back when you need it the most. 

It was hard to leave my girls and Eli for the first time. I was gone 4 days. I felt like I was away forever for weeks.  Being away made me miss them so much.

Happy New Year 2006

We spent New Years Eve over at the Meadors. We had the usual party for people with kids.



On January 4th 2006 Miss Marina was born!!!  Makenna's going to have a forever best friend!  Both mommy and baby did great!

Lauren celebrated her 5th birthday. We went to build a bear workshop. It was a little crazy but the kids had a blast!!!

Erika is 6!

Erika turned 6!  A whole bunch of us girls headed to Twelve Oaks Mall and had a "Big Girl" lunch at Max and Erma's. Then we went took the little girls to make their own bear at Build a Bear workshop. It was great watching all the girls learning how to shop for their bears!

December - Christmas 2005

I started back at work part time. Working on two days a week. Everything was the same as when I went on maternity leave. Nice to get out of the house, but feeling bad when I am away from the girls.

Christmas was great! The girls loved opening presents. Even if it wasn't theirs. Eli and I had invited the family over for Christmas Eve at our house. Then we celebrated Christmas day at Nana and Papa's. It was great watching the girls get all excited about Santa Claus.  They are at such a fun age!

November 2005

November was a busy month. Eli's turned 30. We celebrated by going out with Cathie and Dave for dinner and then went dancing at the Rhino. Well the girls danced. The boys played golden tee and watched.

Eli and I celebrated our 8th anniversary, GO US!








The whole Marshal family went to St. Georges Island, Florida for a family reunion during Thanksgiving week. It was beautiful! All stayed in two beach houses off the ocean.  It was cool but clear and sunny!  A very much needed vacation before getting back into work after maternity leave.

October 2005

In October, Eli's Mom and Steve came to visit. It was a good visit. They don't come out often and we don't get to go out there either.  The only downfall to the trip was that Steve is severely allergic to cats. Luckily it was nice out and we were able to hang outside a bit.  I had all the carpet and furniture cleaned and they stayed in Makenna's room and we kept the door shut. It is sad that we don't see Eli's family as much.
 


Ryan turned 2!

Olivia had a birthday - she turned 4. We had a bowling party for her and her "girlfriends". It was cute!

Halloween was fun. The girls loved it. Erika was Nala again and Olivia was a cow. Pregnant Kimmy, baby Makenna and I passed out candy while the boys took the girls trick or treating!

September 2005

I'm going to do a low down on what happened during these months. So I can have something to look back on.  In September, a few days before Makenna was born, Erika started kindergarten.  I was sad sending Erika to school being 9 months pregnant and emotional. Her transition went great! She absolutely loves school, she loves her teacher! I am so proud of her!

Olivia is in 4 year preschool. Olivia as well, in school, she does great and loves it!  Her teacher adores her. "Olivia is an angel at school!" Split personality maybe? 

Introducing Makenna was so fun!  At first they were 'in love' with her.  Then, Erika and Olivia were getting really jealous about a month into it. Erika was worse in the beginning. Olivia is worse now. But all in all they love their little sister!  YEAH Schultz Girls :)

Oh, and Erika also lost her 1st tooth.

BABY HAS ARRIVED!!!

Hello again. How sad! I can't believe time has gone by so fast!  The main event occurred!!  MAKENNA GRACE! Go figure that's what happens as a result of pregnancy. She is absolutely perfect in every way!!! She was born on September 15th 2005.

The ultimate love that is felt when bringing a child into you life is indescribable.  I love her with all that I am! I wished that I kept writing and journaling. Having Makenna was life changing. Just as much if not more than with the Erika and Olivia. It was a great experience for Eli and I. Knowing that this is our last I find myself cherishing EVERY moment!

It has been awesome watching the girls interact with their baby sister.  So it's official, Eli will forever be outnumbered.
THREE GIRLS!  I  have my hands full. Makenna is such a GREAT baby or maybe I have a better grip of what I am doing now.  Having her initially made me feel like I wanted another, then every day life set in. Being a Mommy is such a gift but I definitely know my limits.

We are a family of 5!
 

And the week goes on

This week seemed to go very ssssllllllllllooooooooooowwwwwwwwww.  Was able to have dinner with Cathie, Sue, and Sherry. We didn't get home to midnight. When the four of us get together it is never ending. We are all very similar in how we feel about things. We all just talk and talk and talk. It's wonderful to relate to someone. I wish Sherry wasn't moving to California. I will truly miss her.

Being very tired at work yesterday really sucked. My day just dragged on and on! On the way home I got my hair cut.  Did something a little different than what I'm use to, I needed a little change. I don't think Eli likes it. He is working today, then golfing, then going to Teds to play poker. So I won't see him probably for a couple days. We didn't see much of each other this week because I had to work late a few nights and dinner another night with the girls.Now onto his social life.

I'm watching Lauren today while Diane takes Ryan to the ENT. Hopefully she'll get some answers for him, poor baby. She seems to be struggling a little with Ryan and his attitude and health (ear infections).

I also need to go grocery shopping....dreading. It is going to be HOT today. This summer has been nasty. HOT AND HUMID! Being pregnant makes it that much worse. 

My mom and dad are in Buffalo NY this weekend so we won't be going to see them this weekend at the boat Eli and I have a wedding to go to on Saturday for a girl at my work.

I should get in the shower to get motivated.

29 Weeks

Well now I'm about 29 weeks pregnant. I'm sick, and so is Erika. Both the girls just got out of bed and are eating bologna. I've been up since around 6:00am when Eli left for work. I didn't sleep very well last night. I think I might have fallen back asleep on the couch around 7:30 until just now. Diane wants to have a garage sale on Friday. So my goal is this week is to get some stuff together to sell. Shouldn't be too hard. The baby's room is all set up. Eli and the girls put up the crib last Monday while I took a nap. It was a wonderful surprise. I'm starting to get that anxious, when will this be over, stage of my pregnancy. I'm tired, emotional, and bored. I was very motivated a couple of weeks ago and now I just feel lazy.
Over the weekend Eli and I went to Brad and Joanns. Good food! Beer butt chicken, cheezy potatoes, corn on the cob, and an awesome salad. It was nice to be without the girls for a night. I wish Eli and I could spend more time together alone. Erika spent the night at my Grandmas for the 1st time. Olivia went to Dianes. They said they both had fun. Erika said she missed Olivia though. Which I thought it would be the other way around. Kimmy and I went maternity shopping together Friday night. She's starting to get a little belly! I'm so excited for her.

3rd Trimester

I am now a little over 27 weeks pregnant now. I have officially entered the third trimester! YEAH It's almost over! There are some days that I am kind of sad because this is probably the last time I will ever be pregnant. I'll never have the feeling of the baby moving again, shopping for maternity clothes, getting the room ready, getting a little extra loving attention from Eli. Even though I hate being pregnant, I will miss those things terribly.

My emotions are a little crazy lately. I get upset about almost everything. The girls are irritating me for no reason. I'm snappy. I just want to get out the boxing gloves and beat the shit out of someone.

I went to a farewell dinner for Sherry Haase on Wednesday. It was sad. I will miss her! I think I'm also afraid that are small group will never be the same again. Sherry was kind of the one that tied us all together. She kept the small group going. The meetings we had together have helping me with finding myself and who I want to be as a person. It also let me know that I'm not the only one who is screwing up. Cathie, Sherry, and Sue are honesty and wonderful. It's different than hanging out with your friend you've known for a long time. I can't really explain why.

My small group is a place where I can just let it all out without strings attached, where you're not judged, you don't have to be right or wrong. There was a love and acceptance that I have never felt before with other women. It wasn't fake. I always feel welcome and at home.


I have nothing exciting planned for this weekend. I have to work on Saturday. I want to get a little more done around the house. Try and bond with my girls. Feeling distant.

Eli and I have some bonding to do as well. We haven't been on the same page for a week or two. Some of my words have been harsh lately. I'm trying to figure out why. I have a few things in mind. I've been doing some soul searching. I just hope I'm on the right track!

My sis called me this morning. I was so happy to hear from her!  She's been on vacation. Their coming home tomorrow. I've really missed her this week! I vented about what has happened with my mom this week. She vented about her trip and Ryan. Then she had to go. I could tell that we just really missed each other. It was a good feeling. LOVE HER!

Fourth of July

The weekend was beautiful. The weather was perfect!

After work on  Saturday Eli, the girls and I headed out to mom and dads boat. We went for a boat ride and went to Proberts cottage for a barbeque. Then went to the see some fireworks on the water.  We didn't get home till 3:00am that night.  It's hard to maneuver a boat in the pitch dark with an hour boat ride back to the marina. 

Sunday we went to Brad and Joanns cottage. The kids had a blast! We were there all day and played Texas Hold'em in the evening. 

Monday Kimmy and Bobby came with us back to my parents boat. We hung out on the water all day and had a barbeque at the marina in the evening. Our evening finished with rain on the way drive home.

The girls stayed with my mom and dad because I had to work the next day. Eli picked them up on the way home from work at the boat. I really don't know what exactly was said between the two of them, but I'm getting two different sides of the story. All I know, either way you look at it, somehow, I'm the bad guy! Go figure.  My mom wanted to keep the girls, she said Eli made her feel horrible and now I am to blame. I just love it!

I know my mother loves Erika and Olivia.  I just cannot call her and have a "normal" mother/daughter conversation with her. Then she says I only call her when I need her to babysit.  Such bullshit! I can't call the woman! She never wants to talk to me. Somehow I feel like a horrible person when I get off the phone. She takes everything I've ever done wrong in my life and loves to rub it in my face. It's like she kept track of every wrong and forgot about anything wonderful that I was ever proud of. Have I not done anything to make her proud?! To make her feel like 'WOW, I have a great daughter.'  I guess I'm just one big huge disappointment. I feel I will never make her happy.

Wished the end of the weekend was as great as the beginning....

Thank God for Fridays

It's Friday. Fourth of July weekend! YEAH! Totally sucks that I have to work tomorrow.

My house is a big mess and so are all the beautiful weeds growing in my yard. I'm not really sure what to start with.  I don't have any strength or energy to do all the things I want to do and it's kind of frustrating.

Today is Diane's 31st birthday.  The family is going to her house tonight for a barbeque. Sunday we are heading over to Brad and Joanns cottage for some fun on the lake.  Monday to my Mom and Dads boat for another day on the lake.

The weather is suppose to be beautiful! I need a good weekend with Eli and the kids. To get away from this house and just have fun. I hope Eli is getting off work early today. I love long weekends with him. I'm trying to have a good attitude going into the weekend. The girls deserve it.

Well I'm going to do some Yoga - maybe I will feel better and I can get more motivated.

It's a GIRL and I'm really a Mom?

Well, I'm 26 weeks pregnant now. Starting to get more uncomfortable everyday. I am just not one of those "I feel so beautiful" pregnant women. 

Eli and I have been working like mad on the upstairs, trying to get everything ready for the baby. We installed new carpet and finished painting and it looks great!

The girls now have their bunk bed and we've put them together to ease into the transition.  For the most part, it's going well. They like to talk and giggle at night when they should be going to sleep. It was cute the first few days.  Now it's a little frustrating.  I hope it passes soon.  I really hope they like being together in the same room.

Eli reminded me today that I haven't been writing in my blog. I did start to a few times but was interrupted and was a little unmotivated searching for something to write about. So here I am now almost 2 month later.  Better late then never...

I had my 20 week ultrasound.  The baby is wonderfully healthy.  The sex is not as concrete as I would like but the technician was 'pretty sure' it is a girl!  GIRL NUMBER 3!!

For some reason, I feel like it is a boy but I'm not sure why. Maybe I just wished Eli had a boy to raise. I don't care either way. I just want a healthy baby. A happy baby. I do know for sure that I do NOT want another C-section, I'm going to try for a VBAC. I would like a nice childbirth experience, since this will probably be our last.

I know that God will give us what he thinks is best. That's all right by me. There is a reason for everything. There are times that I'm not sure why he gave me all girls though. I've always had a hard time relating to women. I would much rather be with a bunch of men, at least their honest.  Dirty at times...but honest.  I always thought I would have boys with all the testosterone running in Eli's veins.

Hopefully I don't completely screw up my girls. I don't know how to have a good mother-daughter relationship. I don't feel like I had the best one with my mom when I was growing up. We never talked like girlfriends. I pretty much went into puberty, sex, and boys completely blind! I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know what feelings were right or wrong or even if I was normal.

I want to giggle with my teenage girls, I want to talk about everything with them. I want to know their secrets. I want them to trust me with everything they have. I hope we have a great relationship with each other when their older.

The girls are blessed to have the Daddy that they have, Eli is wonderful.  I wished I had a father like him growing up. NOT that I don't love my dad with all my heart, because I do.  I just don't remember him around.  He worked....A LOT and was so tired,  from what I can remember.  Eli gets down to their level, he plays, rough houses and is so real with them....the giggles can be heard miles away.  He can relate to them on a different level that I can. I feel like I don't have the patience. Sometimes I wonder if God forgot to give it to me.  Calm and patient is very difficult for me, it's not something that has ever come naturally. Some days I don't know how to talk to them...or sometime even play with them. If they don't do what I want or they are doing it the wrong way, I get irritated. UGH, shame on me, talk about controlling.

When was it that I forgot how to just act GOOFY! I was the class clown. Always happy and sarcastic...just goofy.  Then one day, BAM - I'm some sort of horrible inpatient, crabby person. I've always knew when to take things seriously, just not at this level. I still knew how to joke and laugh and just be stupid.

Sometimes I wonder if my girls will see me as I saw my mother was when I was growing up. I remember there where times when I just thought she was the most angry, serious person that I had ever met. There were times I thought I was adopted or I was given to the wrong family.  Having my fathers crazy ears reminded me that I belonged. 

It seemed that most of my friends mothers were involved in their lives and happy.  Most had their mothers to go to when everything seemed hopeless. I wished I could have had a shoulder to cry on and have my Mommy tell me everything was going to be OK! "You'll get through this and I love you".  I hope my girls don't ever feel that I'm not there for them.

My parents gave me more that I deserved, materialistically speaking. I just think that I would have liked a few hugs and kisses and some I LOVE YOU's here and there. I don't want to be that kind of parent but I can feel myself slipping into that direction.

I believe relationships that exist on my side of the family would be very different if Eli wasn't a part of our lives and wasn't so close to my father. I pretty much wrote my family off when I was dating my ex. I was ready to adopt his family and be done with mine. I think in a way Eli has made our family closer. 

My parents are wonderful people. They are human too! Everyone is a products of their parents and so on and so on. They meant well. I'm sure they tried hard. I saw things differently than they did when I was younger. I remember having a lot of hate in my heart. I remember wondering when things would get better and asking myself "When will my parents be less angry?".  I took many things personally, I blamed myself for things I shouldn't have blamed my self for.

I wonder what it would have been like if I married someone who didn't have any love my Mom and Dad or didn't 'get' my family dynamics. I truly believe I would have only seen my family at holiday get-together's.

I am so blessed and lucky to have my sister. Without her I would be lost.  I pray to GOD everyday that Erika and Olivia are as close....so they have each other all the time through good times and bad. I want dinners on Sundays with the girls and their husbands and kids (grand-kids). What if their husbands don't like Eli and I, and they steal our girls from us? I really think I could loose them if I don't treat them all the love they deserve.

I had a ton of things I wanted to get accomplished and now it's not going to happen. I'm just rambling now....and thinking about things I hid away a long time ago.

It's May

Well I guess I'm only motivated to write in my blog on Mondays.

I am raising a Great Dane puppy because some breeders are stupid idiots. I'm starting to get attached to him - it's the maternal pregnant thing that's hitting me, at least that's what Eli thinks...he's probably right.  The girls named him "KODA" (from 'Brother Bear').

Busy week ahead.  Gymnastic, birthday parties, work, babysitting Ry guy and small group (which I don't really feel like going to). I'm in my not so social mood again.

Taking a road trip to Tennessee and have to get motivated to pack.  I have a headache that I just can't get rid of.  I would live to stay in my p.j.'s all day and not get out of bed.

I'm going on my 18th week of pregnancy, starting to feel the baby move more and more. This is my favorite part of being pregnant.

Work sucks.  I'm sick of young little inexperienced girls, who think they're all that and a bag of chips. I just don't understand the lack of respect people have for other people. I feel like I give people many chances - once they screw me over, our relationship is over. I have a HUGE problem with forgiveness! I also seem to remember every little detail of how I was wronged in some way. How horrible is that? I need to try harder and forgiving and forgetting, because someday it will eat me up inside.

Well off to enjoy watching my girls have a ball at gymnastics. I pray that my week will go by nicely. I need all the patience I can get right now.