Don't waste a moment regretting past mistakes or wishing it were otherwise. Ask yourself how you would like it to be now, and invest your energy in building the life you believe in. Then your life will reflect your choices, not your fears.
There is nothing permanent except change. This is something I say to myself daily when I wake up to face another day in our adventure of uncharted territory.
I am trying to remember when or if I had ever had consistency in my life. Does anyone ever really have it? I always welcomed change because change and procrastination kept me and my adrenalin moving along. By the time I actually have time to sit and think about what just happened, it was already over and I was already onto the next and it didn't really matter anymore. Keep truckin, move along, lets go, hurry up, almost there.... and then all of a sudden, it's over, it's passed so fast I didn't even know how or what really happened.
To be completely honest, I feel uneasy and squirmy during calm, quiet, stand-still, limbo moments. Eli has always said that if I was under questioning for some sort of crime, I would crack and confess every detail because I can't just sit still and deal with the silence. He gets a kick out of it and he uses this to his advantage quite frequently. Awkward silence is even worse, it's the worst type of torture imaginable! I would pick chaos, arguing and noise over silence any day. There are even times I would rather be with my worst enemy than be sitting alone in complete silence.
If there is any type of normal, I have no idea what 'normal' is. Everything in my life had to be fast paced or chaotic. I kept it that way, guilty as charged! One of my biggest pet peeves are people who either cannot multi-task or refuse to multi-task. It drives me absolutely crazy to watch people move slow like snails and/or can't do two things at once. This is a horrible quality that I have and I am completely aware of it. Not such a great quality to have being a mother and a wife. I'm not sure if it was a learned quality or if I was just born without patience. I think I have somehow just been trained to never stop and smell the roses. If it takes too long for someone to do something, it's like.....JEEEZZZEEEE already, I'll just do it myself. Erika and Eli like to take their time and they think it all the way through and take it all in before they act or speak and it drives me absolutely batty.....jealous at times, but completely batty. Now Olivia and Makenna, and I on the other hand are here, there and everywhere, go go go. Random, loud, un-focused at times and moving so fast that we sometimes run into walls. Family dynamics are always an adventure...
I thought after marriage, after our first house, after children, after college graduation (for the second time), after passing my boards, after proving myself to God knows who, after surgery, after recovery I would/could finally see and accept normal. To maybe accept calm and contentment, but I was so wrong. Life is still changing so fast that I think my head is spinning a little bit. I thought during recovery from surgery I would be forced to be still and I would become comfortable with it. I would learn some patience and learn to love it. Well....I still haven't recovered and I still am NOT comfortable with it. Instead I learned how much I hate it and I was forced to see all the things I didn't want to. What I have found is that in order to be still you have to take it ALL in....SLOWLY, you need to own your faults, mistakes and problems. All the mistakes that have been made, all the lies that have been told, all the wrong that you wished you've done right, all the times that were overlooked when they should have been enjoyed, all the thank you's that should have been said instead of blame, all the could have, should have, and would have's are up close and personal!
I really am not trying to dwell on the past. I am trying to live up to my famous words of encouragement I have always told myself "If it didn't teach you something, it was a waste of time". Mistakes are meant to be made, right? It is what is suppose to define us, move us, changes us for better or worse.
My anal retentive self is noticing all the t's that I have left uncrossed and the i's that I have left un-dotted. I am not working or going to school and feel like I have failed. I miss work, I miss school, I miss being a part of society, I miss so many things that I didn't think I would. My children are in school during the day and I have moments of silence. ALONE time, is something that I thought I always wanted. ALONE time is something I have NO idea how to do!! My mind starts racing and I find myself uncomfortable in my own skin.
Sitting still in silence, realizing and actually feel the sadness and anger that I feel about certain things is really shitty! Things tucked away for many many years are brought to the surface. To realize where our family is right now and follow the time-line from there to here sucks. What sucks even worse is to think about what kind of pain or hurt that I may have inflicted on someone I care about because of a result of my own actions. All the times I was too busy for my husband, children, family, or friends comes to mind too frequently. To come to terms with something that was done to me or that I have done to someone else is even more difficult than I could have ever imagined.
I know physical pain, I own it, I live it, it has been a constant in my everyday life for over 2 years. Emotional pain is just as hard, if not harder, to deal with. To come face to face with it, stare eye to eye with it and see it for what it really is, I can honestly say, is probably the hardest element of it all. I used to think that the acknowledgment of wrongs, mistakes, or hurt was the difficult part, but it's not. The 'ignoring', 'never dealing with', 'coming to terms with', 'letting go of', or actual 'FORGIVENESS' of those wrongs, mistakes or hurts is what is truly the hard part. For so long, I made 'covering things up' a masterpiece. I made 'ignoring' a work of art.
"What? I don't know what you're talking about...."
"Do we really need to talk about this now?"
"That's OK."
"I'm fine."
"It's no big deal."
"It doesn't really bother me."
"I'm too tired to talk about it right now."
"Really it's fine....."
"Tomorrow...."
"I'll call you back later."
These have been my words to live by for quite sometime or maybe I just didn't answer the phone. I am one of those people who do not want to accidentally hurt someones feelings and I don't like to 'rock the boat'. I would rather hear all about your problems than deal with my own. Either I will feel less alone or my life won't seem all that bad after all.
Well damn it, yes I'm pissed, yes I'm hurt, yes this sucks, yes it could have been different....BUT it's not different! There, I said it. Everything is still the same. I'm not hiding. It's time to grow up, stop pretending it will all go away on its own and face it! So now that we're finally clear on that lets try and make it better!
"IT IS WHAT IT IS!" ~ I HATE this saying. It is actually like nails on the chalkboard for me and I honestly feel like I could punch that person in the face when they say it. There is always something that can be done to make things a little better, a little easier! Something to break the fall. Whether it be a smile, a note, a touch, a wave, a nudge or to just be in the present with that person. Just sit by that person. Say a freakin prayer! You don't have to know what that person is going through or even understand it. No matter how hard you try, YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT SOMEONE IS GOING THROUGH!!!! DO NOT TRY TO FIX IT, it's not your job!!! Just acknowledge that there is a problem and that there are emotions involved and quit pretending like everyone doesn't see the big fat purple elephant in the room. Ignoring it and pretending you had nothing to do with it does not make everything go away and sooner or later it will catch up to you and bite you in the ass!
Wow, so most of this is just rambling, venting, trying to make sense of things going on right now. Our family is going through a lot of pretty tough gains and losses. Most all of our close friends know the struggles right now, so there really isn't any need or want to explain it all here. As much as things suck right now, I feel like Eli and I are surrounded by the people who truly know us for who we are and don't judge us, they just love us! I do believe people are brought into our lives for a reason and the people in our lives are the best ever!
As much as things suck right now, it couldn't be going any better, if that makes any sense... I have contentment in knowing we will get through this because of my strong and unbreakable friendships and my family! We are so blessed to have the love, support, trust and complete honesty from everyone so close to us right now.
Yesterday I told Eli that I had this moment during the day that I felt this weird feeling that all this *crap* was too good to be true. I don't know exactly why our hardship seems 'too good to be true' but I actually felt that things were finally falling into place. These pieces are just fitting too perfectly. I almost felt like we didn't deserve it and felt unworthy.
Some days I feel that everything is about to start crumbling down at any moment and then faith reminds me of what is so right in our lives. I am humbled. I am thankful. Our family could be so much worse off but there is this energy that I am grasping onto ~ whether it be karma, God, grace, faith, love or support. Something is keeping Eli and I hand in hand walking on through all this muck. I feel the strong unbreakable grip we have on each other and I am not about to let go now.
I work hard trying not to question all the wrongs or why things ever got as bad as they did. I am not going to try and control a fight that we are so badly loosing. I am giving in and letting go, God is in control right now and Eli and I are trying our best to enjoy and focus on the good in our lives. Bring on the adventure, whether good or bad, the unknown, the change, maybe even the silent calm. I know that I am not alone, I have the best of the best with me on this journey into uncharted territory.
