I can officially say that January 2007 SUCKED! Especially for Makenna and Blue Cross/Blue Shield. I am welcoming February with open arms.
I have learned a lot about myself this month. I have been face to face with my strengths and weaknesses. One big thing that I found out is that I need support and love (I am a little needy). I have received this from so many people this month. I have a great family, great friends, and I belong to such a wonderful church. I have taken so much for granted and I have been put in perspective on so many different levels. I have gone to God like a crying like a baby for the first time in my life and had felt his love and support.
My life is so busy, non-stop pure chaos, that is how I like it, I am impatient, I want it done now. I need stress and busyness to keep me going. I don't know how to be in a quiet non rushed situation.
I was put in a small room, alone (most of the time) for 5 days, with my sick little Makenna. I was tested in so many ways. Feeling completely helpless, alone, sad, frustrated, guilty, mad, and more. I felt like I was in slow motion. Dealing with all these feelings one at a time. WOW. If anyone really knows me. I hate being alone, I don't know how to be alone. I love being around people with lots of noise and action.
There were times I just laid next to Makenna kissing her soft cheeks and rubbing her tummy and whispering I love over and over in her tiny ear and there were times when Makenna would be sleeping and I sat in the dark and just cried.
I had some great discussions with God. I say discussions because I actually heard him talking back to me. One thing he said to me was, "Do I have your attention now?" It was crystal clear! He showed me why he loves me and he showed me what I'm not really getting. He showed me how selfish I can be and how hurtful I can be. It was SO hard to face things about myself.
I was shown all the wonderful people that are in my life and why they are in my life. That it is ok to need people and it is ok not to be strong and in contol all the time. I was also shown what a wonderful person I am and all that I have to offer.
I have a great life. I need to slow down. I need to be true to myself. I need to spend more quality time with my children and my husband. I need to just take one day and one step at a time. I need to be more in the moment and enjoy those moments. I need to take time for myself. I need to make more time for God. I don't know how I've become so distant from myself.
Here is a little of Makenna from this morning.....cast free, happy as can be! This is what makes me smile.....watching my children grow!
1 comment:
I read your blog this morning before I sat down to read my bible. I read this Psalm, which reminded me of your blog (Psalm 35):
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.
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