I was really feeling guilty about going back to school, but now....not so much. I am feeling hurt and angry. I actually thought I would be missed at my job. Which on some level I'm sure I will be slightly, but not for the reasons I want to be missed. Maybe I was looking for someone to talk me out of the whole school thing. Maybe I was looking for some encouragement. Maybe for some guidance. At this moment I feel that I am replaceable, which I guess is fine....I am nothing special. There is probably a ton of people more qualified than I. When it was made public to everyone that I was going to be taking classes in January, nobody seemed all that moved that I was even thinking of leaving or going back to school....if anything, some people just seemed irritated that they had to rearrange the schedule and I was making their lives difficult. I'm sure that was not their intention. But that was the message to me.
I think one mistake I have made in my life is becoming friends with coworkers and employers. It complicated things for me. There has been a lot of damage done through the 10 years I have worked there. I have lost trust in people and in friends. I probably have a lot of fault in that. I have to constantly remind myself that work is work, and my personal life is my personal life, they really shouldn't be mixed. I really try NOT to take things personal. I am a sensitive person, I am well aware of that. It is something that I have that I absolutely despise about myself! I become to involved with people, I ask to many questions, I befriend too many people, I know too much, maybe I trusted too much. I will just try to take it as a learning experience and move on.
I am a complicated person. Sometimes I wonder why anyone puts up with me. I have not been happy with myself so many times in my life. I have made so many horrible mistakes. One thing I do know about myself is that I care, I worry, I love with all my heart, I would do just about anything for anyone if they ever needed me....no questions asked, I AM a good mom (even though I do doubt that from time to time), I am a great friend, I love my family unconditionally, I laugh often, I cry hard, and I wish I could fix everyone's problems, starting with my own. I love to hear all the really bad stuff and all the really great stuff that people have to say, I try to use everything as learning experience, good or bad. I hate confrontation. I am not always true to myself. I try really hard not to hurt anyone's feeling. I tend to think of others before myself. I come off the wrong way at times. If I have wrong someone in someway.....I am usually well aware of it, I may not show it or always say it, but I didn't mean it and I let it eat me up inside. Instead of apologizing I just wallow in it.
I don't think I am perfect. I struggle everyday. I fail often! I can honestly say that I am trying really hard to do what God wants me to do. I might not be doing it right, but I AM trying! I struggle everyday with my attitude and my smart ass remarks and comments. I am an ugly person when I want to be. I am selfish at times. I am unfair at times. I do not forgive with all my heart. I am not proud of myself and my actions very frequently.
This is me.....love me or leave me. Don't play games, don't pretend. If you don't want to talk to me.....DON'T. If you don't like me, fine, I don't care, I'm Ok with it...but don't sit next to me and pretend to be my friend. I can't handle that. I'd rather you just ignore me! I can't be someone I'm not. I am done trying to make everyone happy all the time. Someone will alway hate me or have a problem with me, or be disappointed in me. I can't worry about it anymore, I am me! I might not like who I am and what I am about from time to time, but this is MY own struggle.
*I apologize for this entry. If it offended anyone or if anyone thinks I am a total whack job. I wasn't going to write any of this, because of what people would think, but if I didn't write things like this, I am not being true to myself. The reason why I started this blog was to help me in my life journey. A way to vent at times and just be me without anyone arguing with me. Sometimes I need to voice my opinions without having anyone alter them. These are my own opinions at this moment. If I have to start watching what I write than I might as well stop blogging all together or just make my blog private again. This is my struggle today!
7 comments:
Hey, stop apologizing for who you are and what you write. (I'm referring to that little blip talking about being sorry for the entry). If people don't want to hear your thoughts, struggles and experiences then they shouldn't read your blog.
You're awesome Dana and I love my imperfect friend just the way she is!!
Cathie
Thanks Cath!
Thanks for sharing your inner thoughts. It isn't always easy to do. It takes courage, so I'm proud of you.
Dana, you are a brave strong woman, you just have the strength to voice (write) how we all feel from time to time. Thanks for sharing.
Anne
Dana....you are struggling with just being human! I think we are all filled with such a paradox of emotions and feelings. That is part of what makes us each unique and so great!
Never feel sorry for how you feel, that is one thing in life you are entitled to!
And hey, I think you rock and are wonderful...for whatever that's worth!!
Hugs!
Thank you all so much for you kind words! I am truly blessed to have all of you in my life. Thanks for reading and thanks for commenting! XOXOXO
First of all, you need to take a mistake & know that it was not only a mistake, but also a life learning experience. Nobody is perfect & makes the right decision all the time. We do what we think is right & if things do not work out the way we wished, we learn from it & do it differently the next time.
Nobody can be happy in life if they are not doing what they were intended to do. Some people know right away what that is & for others it takes years. I still can't say without a doubt that Social Work is my destiny. If it isn't, I will take what I learned & try something else.
For as long as I can remeber you wanted to be a nurse but you were afraid you couldn't handle the studies. You settled for something else. At the time you felt that it was the right decision for you, but through the years you have seen that nursing is your real passion. You should NEVER be sorry for what you want to do. This your life, nobody elses. You can't be truely helpful to others, including your husband & children, if you do not take care of yourself first. You need to be happy to express happiness to others.
Someone said to me today that you do not get more from God until you are thankful for what you have already gotten. Be thankful for all your experiences in life, good or bad, & know that they were all learning experiences to prepare you for the next step in your life. There is a country song that I love & one of lines is, Life is about changes, nothing ever stays the same. No matter how much we all wish we had done something differently or wish we could go back & change something. "Everything happens for a reason" Everything makes us stronger for the next step in our lives.
You need a change & you are ready for it! Continue to be strong & know that I am always here for you! You deserve the best that life has to offer, don't ever forget that & don't make any more excuses to stop from achieving YOUR dreams. They are your dreams & you deserve them. Did I say that already?
You ARE a strong person & you will get through this point in your life. We all, even me, need to stop worrying about the past or the future & cherish & be thankful for what we have in the present. I am supposed to say three things I am thankful for for the next week, so I will do it here. I am thankful for my husband, my sister, & my beautiful children. Now you try.
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