Nothing worth having comes without a fight

Our family routine started back yesterday, minus 14 credits and hours of studying. This may sound stupid but I am bored. Yes, I am a mom and work 2 jobs and I have laundry to do and a house to clean. The other night was the first night I tossed and turned and couldn't fall asleep for a long time, it was like I was wide awake, ready for something to happen.
Cathie and I had a great lunch date last Sunday and talked about adventure. I need some. I have wants, I have goals, desires,doesn't everybody?
Cathie called me this morning and told me to listen to a teaching that Donald Miller gave at Mars Hill, about our life being a story and how incredibility powerful stories are in our lives. He went on to say that in order to have a story be meaningful, in order to have a human life be meaningful, you need a lead character, you need a group of people, and you need conflict and fears. The best part was when he said

"If there aren't hard times, your story won't make sense. If there aren't hard times, the character can not change. The only thing that really changes us is the hard times. Joy doesn't change us at all. We all want joy, but joy does not change us, it does not shape us, it does not transform us. Every story needs conflict or the story doesn't work. Every story needs resolution, it has to have to ending or has to be resolved or the story will leave us feeling empty."

I want a great story, I want to be transformed. There have been many times that I have felt like a victim to conflict, so many times I feared conflict but wanted my voice heard and of coarse I still have my moments of weakness and will for some time to come. I shouldn't fear it, I should deal with it....head on with an optimistic CALM attitude. Welcome it with open arms, consider it a gift to help me change or grow. I want an adventure, and I want to be a better person. I say to myself I want to face it, that I am rearing to go. Then when I have the opportunity, there are times I have regretfully run the other way.
AEC called me yesterday and asked me if I could cover and would feel comfortable filling a shift alone. That means just me and the doctor. Yes I do it everyday that I work at Jeffrey but that is a little different, Jeffrey's is a sense of home, where my comfort lies, where my confidence is. AEC there are different doctors, system, people, protocol....different everything, and all alone, I have only worked about 6 days and there are machines there I have never used alone without someone assisting me or making sure I didn't kill an animal. My immediate reaction was hell ya bring it on. Then I felt sick to my stomach. I am honored that they thought I was capable enough, but scared to let anyone down. Then today, I get a message from AEC, the technician in charge of cardiology, is going on vacation and wanted to know if I would be willing to train and work in cardiology hand in hand with Dr Brown (gulp). It took me about 2 hours and a little encouragement from my Mom, Eli, and Cathie and I called back and said yes. So next week I am going to be training for that. First of all I need to explain.....I hate the cardiovascular system and in the veterinary field Dr Brown is one of the best in Michigan. It is nerve racking for me, it is probably my biggest weakness when it comes to anatomy and physiology, not sure why, but it haunting to me. Now that it is said and done and it is written in my calender I am so excited and anxious and honored. I will accept this as a gift, a complement, a fear facing experience. I can learn from this, I can grow from this and be a better technician, a better nurse.
So yes I feel like I am starting a new story in the employment aspect of my life but I desire to have story that completes me in my home life, my life with my family, my life within myself. I wonder sometimes if people can see how terrified I am in the inside, sometimes with the simplest of decisions. I am good at faking how strong I am, I even fool myself occasionally.
I want my girls to learn that they are capable of anything. That they will be strong individuals, strong women, unafraid of the obstacles life has to offer. I want to set examples for them. I don't want them to be victims or fall short of their full potential. I want them to be proud of who they are. My motto I have really tried to live by lately is "if you don't learn from your mistakes it was a waste of time."
For quite some time I have second guessed my abilities, my intelligence, my strengths, my weaknesses, my capabilities, my sense of who I am, the goodness that I have in my heart. I can't really know for sure when it got so bad but it needs to stop. I am on my journey and I am going to take the long scenic route so I enjoy it that much more when I get there.