This is my song for the moment....
Lay It Down
By Jaci Velasquez
I've been looking til my eyes are tired of looking
Listening til my ears are numb from listening
Praying til my knees are sore from kneeling on the bedroom floor
I know that You know that my heart is aching
I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands
So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust you now
What else can I do?
Everything I am depends on you
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be
I'm gonna let it go
I'm gonna lay it down
I've been walking through this world like I'm barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been digging
But You're pulling me out and I'm finally breathing in the open air
This room may be dark but I'm finally seeing
There's a new ray of hope and now I'm believing
That the past is the past and future's beginning to look brighter now
Oh, Cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands
So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust you now
What more can I do?
Cause everything I am depends on you
And if the sun don't come back up
You know Your love would be enough
I'm gonna let it be
I'm gonna let it go
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna lay it down
You can hear it on myspace page or her myspace page.
I am so sad. I can't look at Makenna without feeling horrible guilt and frustration. I'm not sure what I am suppose to be learning from all this. I could get so many things out of what has been going on with my family......Since I have started school Makenna has broken her arm, had pneumonia/RSV, now was bitten by my own dog and has stitches in her little palm. Olivia has had social issues at school, and don't get me started on all the strep. Eli and I are arguing about the stupidest and idioc things and I am ready to crack and I'm sure Eli is ready to commit me. The only thing that I can say is going right is that I am getting a 4.0 in both of my classes. So am I being totally selfish and letting my family fail as I gain something. I have been crying since yesterday and I lost it in the middle of walmart today. I wonder what people thought of me balling in the Easter aisle. I came home from school after getting an A on my test (which I don't know how I pulled that out of my a##, I wasn't even happy or proud of myself), then I had to clean and re-dress Makenna's boo boo and started sobbing again. Let Titus out, sobbed again. Don't call me and ask me how I am because I'll just loose it. In the next 10 days I have to take care of my little baby and try and find a home for Titus and/or decide if Titus lives or dies. I really wish I could find a good home for him. He's not bad, he's such a good boy...he is just food aggressive and cage aggressive. This is SOOOO my fault. I blame myself. I should have been there. I woke up late and was running late for church, not paying attention to my baby. I thought Kenna was in her room. What if he bit her face....Oh God, I don't know. I have too much on my plate and I have that I can do it all attitude. I cannot live in calm and quiet, I need chaos and commotion. I add more and more to keep myself preoccupied. Now I am in over my head and I cannot juggle it all......my balls are falling and rolling all over the ground. I am failing. I am selfish. I am sorry.
Eli tells me that I am taking this overboard and this is just the everyday. "Don't blame yourself Dana." That I shouldn't read too much into it, but I can't help to think that God is trying to tell me something in all this. I am really having a hard time hearing him lately and I keep praying and talking to him but am feeling alone and deaf to him.
2 comments:
Dana, I don't believe that you are selfish. Sometimes events can build on each other to create this sense of things just being out-of-whack. Please know that God has promised that He will not throw anything at you that you cannot hold-up underneath, or He will provide you a way out. Satan loves nothing more than to disrupt our lives and keep us confused and unaware of the larger picture. I also don't think that God expects you to do everything on your own. I'll pray for you guys, and I love you both!
Wow. That's honest, but a bit of a downer. On a funnier note, my Grandma's dog bit her and she never had it looked at. She ended up losing her finger because of it. Emily still prays that her finger will grow back. We still joke with my Grandma about her stump.
I'll ask Emily to start switching her prayers from my Grandma's finger's regrowth (which we think is a long-shot) to Makenna not getting scurvy (which is the only disease left for her to get after all she's gone through).
You never mentioned how great it is that you work at a vet clinic where you can put a dog down for a lot cheaper. On Scrubs, they stuff the dog and carry it around with them. Never bites anyone. Just a thought.
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