Spinning my wheels

I am absent. That would be the one word that describes me at this moment. I haven't been answering my phone. If you don't have a problem with your animal, I have nothing to talk to you about. Every muscle in my body is sore. Work has consumed me and and spit me out. I don't remember the last time I had a real adult conversation that didn't consist of children and/or animals. It has almost been a month since I worked less than a 45-50 hours in a week. I am trying to find the time and energy to be with and truly enjoy my family and my house and I am ultimately failing.
Yes I know that things could be worse and I should feel grateful and blessed for all the wonderful things in my life. I should be grateful that Eli and I are employed and have each other and healthy children. It would actually be easier if I actually had time to enjoy the wonderful things in my life. There isn't enough time nor energy left.
The sad part about it, is with all the work I have been doing, we have caught up on how bad we were financially, but still have nothing to show for it. Once school starts again, it will be just as bad once again. One good thing is work will not be all that I am. I would rather be by myself studying than be with some of the people I work with that have a total lack of respect for one another. It is frustrating that I am putting so much effort into something that I feel is so unrewarding. I don't expect special attention for a job well done, but a simple thank you once in a while would be nice. Not the constant nagging, disrespect, demanding and bitching. Being with the animals is what gets me through the day, knowing that I am actually helping them, they even seem more grateful most of the time. I am having a problem with people and I am starting to question if I will be able to handle it in the medical field without the animals to buff the crappy attitudes. I don't expect everyday to be filled with sunshine and roses, but an occasional day, when you feel that you really made a difference makes it all worth while.
Eli has been trying really hard to help me with my little attitude problem and being the wonderful man that he is, is what is keeping me from throwing in the towel. He is the strong one, he is my grace. I remember when I first started going to church, alone, when Erika was a baby, searching for God knows what. Praying so hard for Eli to do church with me. Begging him to come with me, wanting so much more for us. For him to see God the way I saw him. Struggling to stay committed to my want to be in relationship with him, when Eli wanted no part of it. The role has drastically been reversed. He is involved probably as much if not more. He has been reading bible verses to me that he got from his small group and it is taking all that I have in me not to tell him to shut up and leave me alone. He is reading the bible, trying to give me insight on life and love. I tune him out the way I tune out Makenna, Olivia, and Erika when they are whining. Every chance he gets, he tells me that he loves me and why he loves me and how much he loves me. He hugs me and just gives me a simple kiss and I think to myself, why? Is he mental? I have actually thought to myself that he deserves better. I am truly ugly inside right now, filled with a ton of hateful and pessimistic feelings. I am doubting my strength and courage.
This is not who I am or what I want to be. I have always been a happy go lucky, social person who loves to be with anyone and everyone. I love to laugh, especially at completely inappropriate times and add my smart ass two cents in at all cost. Lately it is hard for me to give a simple smile and say hello.