Just what I needed today!

I've been having a tough time with school, motherhood, being a wife, and working. I have been questioning what I am doing and if it is really worth all that I am missing out on. Our children, our marriage, the time with the people who I love the most. Everything in our household lately revolves around my school and work schedule. I feel selfish and needy. My house is falling apart, the laundry is piled up high. My google calender is so filled that all the events don't fit on some days. Makenna has been sick. I have made some mistakes at school. Olivia was stood up by the tooth fairy for the third time. I have cried more in the past two weeks than I have in the past two years.
It bothers me that I am not with my girls the way they deserve. Eli and I are just passing in the morning and night. We were having one of the few family dinners the other night and Eli and the girls were talking and joking. They were giggling together and cracking jokes and I felt like an outsider looking in. That feeling that you just don't belong. Lately Eli get's the girls, he is their comic relief. He is keeping this family grounded. They look to him, which makes me angry and it shouldn't. Angry probably isn't the best word, maybe jealous would fit better.
Driving home from picking my girls up from my Mom's today a song came on from the CD that Eli had made for me to listen to on my constant, endless drives to Lansing. It was a CD filled with songs that reminded him of "us". Erika, Olivia, Makenna and I all starting singing a song together. I miss that, I miss those moments. The connection moments. The silly simple moments. When we arrived home, Kenna and I took a 4 hour nap. I love snuggling with my girls. Makenna is the best snuggler, she gets as close as she can without suffocating you. When Kenna and I woke up, I walked downstairs to find Eli sitting at the kitchen table doing homework with Erika and Olivia. I opened my email to see if my test grade was posted and this is what was there from Eli....

Our love is the long lasting kind;
We’ve been together quite awhile.
I love you for so many things,
Your voice, your touch, your kiss, your smile. You accept me as I am;
I can relax and just be me.
Even when my quirks come out,
You think they’re cute; you let me be. With you, there’s nothing to resist;
You’re irresistible to me.
I’m drawn to you in total trust;
I give myself to you willingly. Your sweet devotion never fails;
You view me with a patient heart.
You love me, dear, no matter what.
You’ve been that way right from the start. Those are just a few reasons why
I’ll always love you like I do.
We’ll have a lifetime full of love,
And it will happen because of you.

MY GRACE FROM GOD!

Stressed...Who me?

"We have overstretched our personal boundaries and forgotten that true happiness comes from living an authentic life fueled with a sense of purpose and balance."

Dr. Kathleen Hall

Stress Institute Homepage

How to reduce stress according to Dr. Kathleen Hall

NURS 165

I have accomplished yet another goal. NURS165 - Maternity. These are the people I have been spending the last 8 weeks with. My home away from home. The ones I have experienced some amazing, emotional and speechless moments with. Because of certain laws, I cannot discuss patients on my blog but I can tell you that I witnessed two beautiful babies be brought into this world, one vaginally and one by cesarean. Personally having had both a cesarean and 2 natural births, I can honestly say that it is completely different being on the opposite end.
I have learned more about who I am as a person and I learned some strengths and some weaknesses that are part of my personality. I have learned that labor and delivery is not my thing, even though it was completely life altering. I was disappointed when I had that feeling "this is not for me" but was also grateful that it helped me realize that I really need to be caught up in busyness and chaos. I need the adrenaline and those fast decision moments. In maternity there seemed to be more sitting around, looking at monitors, waiting for a baby to be born, kind of atmosphere. I need the constant go go go. It was good to cross something off my list of possibilities, but sad because it was something I thought I would be really passionate about.
I spent many moments with some amazing nurses! Nurses that have truly inspired me and I will take their wisdom with me! There was a specific 8 hours shift, with one nurse in particular, where I felt that I had learned more from her than from 3 text books and 8 weeks of lecture.
I definitely have a spot in my heart for all the babies I was blessed to spend time with. My favorite moments during this rotation was in the nursery with the lights dim, music on, rocking in the rocking chair with them. Not knowing what life has in store for them. What they may or may not experience. Knowing that the good, bad and ugly will soon enter their lives once they leave that hospital. Hopefully later more than sooner. I will miss the nursery....I will miss the babies.
I have a passion for newborns and for children. I loved talking to the siblings about their new brother or sister and see the expressions on their faces. PRICELESS :) Oh, to be innocent and see the world at such a different level before experiences, family, friends and judgments dramatically alter who they become. To be a part of that purity...WOW!
I don't know where I will end up in the great big world of nursing. I know I have choices, I just hope I make the right ones.
So I am on spring break. Make up time with my family and friends. A little breather. A step back to regroup and remind myself why I am putting myself and my family through this. God I hope I am doing the right thing!