Christmas Break

I made it through my first semester of nursing school and yes so did Eli. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Looking back on the last 3 1/2 months is pretty surreal. I am proud of our accomplishments. I say our, because together we worked hard as a family to make this work.
I have learned to let go of some of my perfectionism's, which was probably the most difficult for me. I have made many mistakes and I have had some pretty awesome "you rock" moments. My sneak peak of nursing has left me completely intrigued. I don't ever want to forget or loose sight of what type of patient advocate I will be. If I ever loose sight of that, I do hope that someone hits me and hits me hard.

I met and worked side by side with some great nurses who have inspired me and I have worked with some tough ones. I prefer to focus on the great moments. Life will always bring out the good, bad and the ugly.

There were some moments during this semester that I thought to myself "what the hell am I doing here, and where is the exit". It scared me to think that I worked this hard for something I wasn't completely sure I really wanted. I don't know where I will end up but I do know now that I am where I need to be. There were moments of weakness, utter frustration, failure, and fear. Along with those came moments of accomplishment, relief, and happiness. The best feeling was knowing I made a difference in my patients life. That was the most overwhelming feeling of all! Everyone has a story and being trusted to listen to or be a part of that story is a gift. To be a part of someones life when they are vulnerable and hurting is a gift. To be able to relieve another human being of fear or illness for a moment and to see them smile was my biggest accomplishment. It didn't happen every time with every patient, but when it did, it was one of the most overwhelming feelings I have ever experienced.

I am looking forward to next semester. The first half my clinicals will be maternity and the second half I will be on the med-surg floor, both at Ingham Hospital. After next semester I will be a LPN. Then I can work as an LPN while I finish up the final 2 semesters and become a proud RN.
All I know for sure is that I am on Christmas Break. I can breathe again for a couple weeks and enjoy some down time. This family could use a little rest and relaxation, a little snuggle time will be nice too!

Adjusting

I started nursing school two weeks ago. It has been a major change and slightly overwhelming. One of the biggest things I have learned is that you cannot be shy in this program, nor be afraid of touching and getting up close and personal with complete strangers. You also can't be afraid to make a complete fool of yourself in front the people you will be spending the next 2 years with. The amount of touching and talking you do with you classmates is crazy. I have gotten to know most of them faster then I cared too. In all of our labs we practice on each other. Except for the enema lab, whew, that would have been bad. After the first couple of labs, there's a realization that we are all scared shitless and we are all in it together. Coming together with one thing in common and one purpose.
There is a total of 64 students in my class, almost all of them with spouses and little ones at home and a good majority of them are single mothers. Talking with some of them just amazes me. The courage and strength that some of them have completely inspires me. I could not imagine not having Eli to support me and encourage me.
Most of the instructors are so great, not all but most. They don't leave out any details that's for sure. My first test is on Monday. In one month I will be doing clinicals in the nursing home and in acute care in the hospital, doing things on people that I feel completely under qualified for. Live and learn I guess.
I had my 3rd pain injection last Friday, this has probably been the most effective one. I was in less pain after ward, but it probably helped that I did a whole lot of nothing for two days. I hopefully only have one more month of physical therapy. Frank told me that this next month will be the most important and I have to work really hard in order to get most of my restrictions lifted. I am growing tired of pt to be honest, enough is enough. I am so ready to move on with my life and be pain free. The evenings are the worst, especially after sitting through lecture and all the walking I've been doing.

Together at last

Erika and Olivia are finally at the same school. Erika being a big 3rd grader and Olivia is in 1st. It amazes me everyday that they are 2 years apart, yet wear the same size clothes and shoes.

This was the first year that I wasn't there for their first day of school. It was hard for me, but they both woke up extra early so we could spend the morning together. I got to give them lots of hugs and kisses and eat breakfast with them. Luckily they had Nana to take them for me and took pictures for me. Erika and Olivia are so understanding and "grown up". They are as proud of me as I am of them. For them to understand what I am doing and why I am doing it makes me so proud (and less guilty).

Olivia was really nervous! This is her "OH CRAP" look.
"This isn't like kindergarten"

After some reassurance!
She was also excited that her BFF from kindergarten is in her class :-)!

Erika's a pro. She loves school!

Makenna is in Preschool

Eating breakfast at 6:15 AM. She was a little happier and awake then I was.

So sad, this is the only picture I could get of her on her first day, she started to get a little sad about me leaving, so I tried to leave before she had a chance to have her melt down. Her meltdown happened on her third day when they had to rip her out of my arms and I could hear her screaming from down the hall, "MOMMY DON'T LEAVE ME". I wanted to turn around and pick her up and love her.

Beside the one meltdown she is adjusting well, and yes so is Mom. I miss her like crazy though! She loves "her friends" and the "choo choo train". They even have been able to get her to take a nap everyday.

Girls Being Girls

"Let me in Mumma, they gettin me!"

"Get her Erika" (you can see Makenna running for her life through the deck posts)

"Ya I did it and Daddy had to take the hose from me cuz I wasn't playing fair."

4 Days and Counting

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.
-King Whitney Jr.

Starting to get a little nervous and I have huge butterflies in my stomach thinking about the fact that in 4 days I will officially be a nursing student. I think it finally hit me this morning. I was sitting on my couch enjoying my coffee, watching Makenna play and talking with Eli. I started thinking to myself....this will be the last Sunday morning until December that I will be homework free. There are so many emotions that I am feeling at this moment, not any more then the other. My life as I know it is about to change. Some people hate change, me....not so much. I am about to embrace this change with wide open arms.
I have been praying and hoping for this experience for as long as I can remember. It's in front of me and I'm about to touch it. I can't believe how close I am to it. I am so grateful for this opportunity. It almost feels too good to be true. I can't promise that I will have this attitude half way through the semester, but going into it excited doesn't hurt.

My Badge of Honor

Erika and I headed out to Lansing today. I showed her all around campus and showed her which building most of my lectures and labs will be at. I had to get my student nurse badge, pick up my supplemental packets, nursing equipment, and gait belt. I also took her to the bookstore. I wanted to compare prices and see if there were any used books and if they were cheaper then half.com, which NO they weren't.

Erika asked me, "Mommy I thought you said I had to finish college before I could get married. Why didn't you?"

I told her, "I did honey, I finished once before, but a woman can always change her mind and do something different."

All the way home she told me all the different things she wanted to be and do when she grows up. Everything from an illustrator, a writer, a chef, and a police officer.....and all her reasons why. We had great conversations about how she was as a baby and how much she has grown through the years. I told her how very proud of her I was. She impressed me today and I just know that she will be something great, no matter what it is that she chooses.

Erika loved it, walked around wide eyed with a big smile on her face. She did say that she was happy to still be in elementary school because she's not ready to walk around that much yet. We had a great day together and I took her to lunch before we picked up Olivia and Makenna from my Moms.

Back Update

Warning: This is me complaining, if you don't want to read it.....don't.

So I had my second cortisone injection last Friday. I did all that I could to keep myself going and keep my mind off it. The family hung with the Kurt's Friday night, Saturday with the Meador's, and on Sunday we hung out at the Jeffrey's cottage. The weekend went fast and I was surrounding by the people I love and that's what I needed to keep me going and keep me side tracked. Watching my girls have fun in the water was my highlight for the weekend. Knowing they had a great weekend made me smile. I feel like I have held them back from so much this summer.

Monday morning I was limping a little, no biggie, in my opinion. More pain down my leg that I prefer, but doable. I saw Dr. Carbajo in the morning, she read the recommendation from my pt and we had another talk. She is concerned about getting me through nursing school. She also brought up the surgery word. She said we will talk more about it after my 3rd injection. Something I was trying to avoid at all costs. If these injections don't work, there may not be much more to do other then surgery or I can just continue with medication and keeping up exercises but she said we may be looking at a chronic pain type thing. Surgery is not an option for me at this point, again, this is my own opinion. She said I may want to be careful about my field choices once I am a nurse. I will probably have my limitations and again talked to me about "life altering event" blah, blah. Still no work, and she said she'll see me in a month. She did say that I was doing my best and I am a compliant patient, and reminded me of how far I've come, but it didn't make me feel much better. My afternoon was filled with frustration and tears. My sister and Eli were blessed to listen to it all and then some.

I arrived at pt excited and optimistic because I was supposed to be starting a change and was going to be able to work with Franks wife on pilates strengthening. Arrived there ready to go, decided I would focus on this being the highlight for my day. Started on the tread mill for warm up, Frank and Christie, of coarse, took me off 1 minute into it. The two of them assessed me together in a room, look at my injection sites and decided together that today was not a good day to start. They did a little talking about me, respecting that I was in the room, mostly good and also talked directly to me about their concerns. Frank was telling her how much I have improved and what he thought I was capable of. Christie put her hand on me, smiled and said that Frank has kept her updated and together they have been coming up with a plan for me and we will try and start Wednesday, try not to be frustrated, you just need to rest. Frank did some soft tissue therapy to loosen up some of the inflammation. So for two hours I slept, laid on heat, traction, stretching exercises, massage and Frank let me do one exercise.

This is probably my own fault and I should have just relaxed this weekend but I am so sick of just sitting around watching the world go by. It's not like I was running around lifting things. At most I picked up Makenna when she had her finger incident. I may have been on my feet more then I should have, but honestly sitting for me sucks and is uncomfortable for me right now. I am bored, restless, and irritated.

Beside all of this that is going on, the cortisone injections has messed up my girly hormones and am also now on another medication to regulate what is going on, and it's not working. Which could be another reason why I am crying for every stupid thing and about to buy stock in always. If it's not the cortisone that is causing these problems, my ablation isn't working anymore and I may need to have a hysterectomy, among a few other things that is going on that I will not go into details about.

I now am under the care of a total of 2 physical therapists and 3 doctors. I am worn out and am I growing tired of everyones opinion on what I should or shouldn't do. I am also tired of people outside of the medical profession telling me their opinion on what worked for someone they know. Let me be, I'm a big girl, I am not ignorant nor stupid and I will figure out what to do under the care of the proper professional opinions and what I feel is best for me and my family.

I am going to try and enjoy my last 3 weeks of summer with my girls before nursing school starts. My first day of lecture is August 21st. I am hoping that I will be able to hold my own by the end of September when I get assigned to a nursing home. Also I need to get back to work so I can afford Makenna's daycare.

If I am in a bad mood or don't feel like talking about it, please don't take it personally. If anyone truly knows me, they know I put other people's feeling before my own. I'm sorry for being a little selfish at this moment right now. This is just where I am right now and just know I am trying to work out my attitude on my own. If you think you're tired of me, just imagine how I feel about myself.

I am trying to embrace all the great things in my life and focus on that, because I do have such great things in my life. My family, my children and the memories of our vacation and all the great experiences the girls have had this summer that I have been able to witness first hand. The fact that I have been able to spend more time with Eli then I ever have before. I have never been able to be a stay at home mom. So this is new to me. Being at work is much easier for me then being at home. I just wish I could be the great mom I know I could be if I had full function of my entire body. I feel that my children got me this summer by default and that they have somehow missed out on things.

Meadors new boat

Diane and Jeff's new boat.

Kenna carrying her noodle

Olivia is all smiles on the lake

The boys played some volleyball at the sandbar with some other Chemung regulars.

The Fab 5 enjoying the boat ride home

CHEEEESE, or should I say potato chips, gone in 60 seconds

Cheers

Jeff actually didn't catch this

We had a short afternoon on Lake Chemung today. We didn't get out there until I could get my back into it. We had just enough time for the kids to blow off some pent up energy. Lauren and Erika swam the entire time. The dare devils, Ryan and Olivia went tubing. Kenna likes to act like a mermaid and boat rides when Uncle Jeff goes "SUPER FAST". We had to cut the day short because Diane had to go to work :(.

Kenna Benna

Not sure what she was doing here.....

Makenna swimming with her big cousin Ryan today at Lake Chemung

Happy Kenna

This is Kenna after she had her finger slammed in the front door tonight, right where the hinges are, ouch! Poor Ryan felt so bad, he kept kissing her saying "I sorry Kenna, I sorry". I thought he was going to cry. After almost 2 hours of screaming, a double dose of Motrin and lots of love, she finally fell asleep watching the little mermaid on my laptop and playing with her Barney laptop. She managed to sleep 2 hours with her hand wrapped in ice. She is awake again now watching the good night show. I think she'll live. She just keeps saying "my finger, my finger". It's double in size and has a nice cut on the underside of it. She's not using it, but hopefully it will be better tomorrow! Thank God it's still attached and there wasn't a trip to the ER, she has enough accidents on her record. It's amazing how different it is with your 3rd child.

After me screaming "ELI AHHHH, Kenna's finger, Kenna's finger", (we all now how loud I can be, I think you get the point), it looked bad when I first got it out of the door. Eli came running and there are 3 strips of lawn mowed in the front yard and the lawn mower is still sitting in the same spot. It was too dark to finish after all was said and done, so Jeff and Eli started on a project. Kenna slept long enough for me to feed Lauren, Ryan, Erika, Olivia, Jeff, and Eli.

Eli and Jeff are installing a ceiling fan in our bedroom right now. Something long overdue and one of great buys we used with the $1000 home depot gift card Eli won at golf. Our bedroom is always the hottest in the summer and the coldest in the winter. I'm just happy that I don't have to listen to the loud fan we had on our dresser pointed directly at our bed. It's the little things.

This isn't funny anymore

Not that it ever was funny, I am so done, not literally of coarse. I am tired of doctors appointments, physical therapy appointments, being stuck with genormous needles, not being able to work, not being able to pick up Makenna and throw her in the air, not being able to carry my girls to bed, falling back into the debt hole we were starting to creep out of, not having my independence!
I am so sick of the unknown. The unknown of when I will be able to wake up in the morning and not feel pain. When I can go back to work. When I can carry laundry upstairs without the fear of reinjuring myself. To not have to take pain medication everyday. To not cringe every time someone asks how I feel because I am so sick of talking about it. I feel like S#!^, is what I want to say. If I say how I really feel, I feel like a big pussy. It is defining me, controlling me and it is starting to become who I am and my frustration is trickling down to my children and to Eli.
I am pissed off that it says that I have a 10lb lifting restriction on my nursing school health form that I have to turn in. I am 32 years old and this is bull crap. I go to physical therapy 3 days a week for 2 hours at a time and I have never missed an appointment, not even one! I work out with old people, not Brad Jeffrey old, I am talking old people. I work my butt off. There are days that I focus on one thing in the room and just keep saying "you can do it, your that much closer". Every time I just want to give up pt, I suck it up and push back the tears, when I just want to stomp my foot sometimes and say, enough already, I do a few more, I push a little harder. The other day there was a lady there in her 80's that had heavier weights on her push down and pull downs then I did. I felt like a little kid. Why does she get more than me? No fair. I actually argued with the technician. He said, sorry Mrs. Schultz, Frank says no. STOP CALLING ME MRS. SCHULTZ, my name is Dana. What is that all about, really....are you joking? I love my physical therapist and he has done wonders and I know things could be worse and this isn't an easy fix. I've been told this over and over. Frank really is pushing me and I am truly blessed to have been put in such great hands. I am happy that I have that sore feeling the next day because I feel like I am getting somewhere. I am happy that I am doing actual strenuous physical exercises, because I know I am becoming capable. Now along with the back and leg pain I have muscle pain and some muscle spasms. You know, the ones that wake you up in the middle of the night, those charlie horse leg pains. It sucks but it makes me feel like I'm getting somewhere. Eli says I don't drink enough water. I am trying to call it the good pain.
The pain injections are starting to wear off I think. I am back on taking pain medication on a regular basis. I really wanted to avoid having more injections because I thought the first experience was so painful, I didn't want to go through it again. I thought I would be fine, I really did.
My internist told me last week that this was a life changing event. I just wanted to fall over. "What do you mean?" Maybe I just never realized it because it was never said to me like that in black and white. I just thought when I felt better, I would be better, end of story.....fixed. Maybe I was too hopeful or completely naive. She told me that this can and probably will happen again and I will always have to be careful. In the simplest of words, according to Dr. Carbajo and Dr. Cueto, physical therapy and exercise is what is going to keep me out of the surgery room and that it will never be "fixed". WHAT? Was she talking to me? I actually thought maybe she was thinking of a different patient. I felt deceived, like someone took something from me. I can be right back to where I was in the beginning with something as simple as turning the wrong way? I don't want to go through that ever again. Lets just hope not for a while, or at least until I finish school and pay off my student loans.
I have to keep up with my exercises and it will never be over. I don't know where I am going to find the drive or the time to do all these exercises when pt is over, in between being a Mom, a wife, a student, and work. I know it's in me, but honestly I can see myself saying, I'll do it tomorrow. I need this strength, I want this strength, but the truth is, I need someone behind me pushing me sometimes.
I was told by a friend last week that maybe I should think about getting a desk job. I was also told by another friend that maybe God is trying to point me in a different direction. Honestly I felt overwhelmingly pissed off. Not after what I have gone through. Not after all that I worked for and suffered through and gave up. I am not a quitter. Nursing was all I ever wanted to do. I have waited long enough. I have done my time. I have worked too hard, I earned it! God is not pointing me in a different direction, that can't be, I absolutely refuse to believe that. He better just be showing me how strong I am, at least I hope that's what he's doing.
I have worked my ass off and nursing is one of my unfinished goals. I am not a pencil pusher. That's not my thing. I can't just sit there, I want to be part of the action. I want to help people, I want to be able to heal people. I want to be able to bring joy and a sense of calmness to someone that is hurting. I want to be there for people who feel as frustrated as I do right now and hold their hand and walk with them and hug them.....you can't do that sitting down. That is who I am. I refuse to let anything crush my hopes and dreams. This is what I believe is my ultimate gift from God. It is the one thing I am so sure of. I am not giving up yet. I am going to get through nursing school and get back to work if I have to do with my walker.

Congrats to Mr. and Mrs. Ian Gannon

Last night Ian and Dana were joined as husband and wife. They met in high school and both graduated from Michigan State. Dana is an RN and works in the neonatal intensive care unit in Ohio were Ian is doing his residency to be a neurologist.

Ian and Dana as husband and wife

Peggy, Diane, Kathleen, Andrea, Dana, Laura, and me.

The Lake Charlevoix Crew

There were many years that when I was younger our families went to Lake Charlevoix together. There were also trips to Yogi Bear Camp ground, Traverse City, Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes, and Grant and Linda's cottage. Oh and we can never forget all the dinners at Dills. Kathleen and Diane were the oldest and would go out and meet boys and shop, or just drive around in the mini van and act cool. Peggy and I were the ones that used to stay back and babysit David (yes David was the only boy, poor guy), Dana, Andrea, and Laura when the parents would go out at night. I think at one point, all the little girls had a crush on David and would giggle and follow him around.

When I turned 16 I would get Andrea and Dana off the bus everyday and watched them four days a week, 2 summers in a row from 7-5. Dana was always the serious good girl and Andrea was my little trouble maker. She reminded me so much of myself. Peggy used to babysit Laura, so we would occasionally get them together during the day in the summer and go to the movies or McDonald or just would get them together so Peggy and I could have moral support. Now the three of them are all grown up and getting married. WOW, I remember when they used to have blankets (Laura called hers her B) suck their thumbs and change their diapers. They are all so beautiful and have grown up to be well rounded young woman!

Uncle Oscar, Aunt Mary, Brian, Marlene, Jerry, Chris, Linda, Grant, Dawn and Dave

The Ford ~ Rouge Steel Crew

These are the parents. Uncle Oscar, Brian, Grant, Dawn, Linda and my Dad all met at work (Originally Ford then chained off to Double Eagle, then Rouge Steel, now called Severstal) and they were inseparable. I used to call all of them by Uncle and Auntie because they were in my life more than my blood relatives. Dawn is the only one still with the company and they have all gone on to bigger and better things, but they always stayed close and ALWAYS have a great time when they get together.

We had such a great night together, filled with full laughter and talking about old times. I love those moments when you feel at home. Reminds me of that Cheers song, "Where everybody knows your name".




You can see the rest of the pictures from the wedding HERE.

The Gannon Wedding

Boating Fun

Yesterday we headed out to Lake St. Clair. David is in town for a week or so. The weather couldn't have been nicer. Not a cloud in the sky and no humidity, which is a huge plus for me. I HATE humidity.

Eli and my Dad were bumping belly's, I guess it's a man thing, kinda like rubbing your antlers on trees or something. Trying to show each other which one had the bigger belly. Being to preoccupied with comparing their manhood they didn't see Jeff coming, so Jeff decided to push them both overboard, they didn't know what hit them. Eli didn't drop his beer, go figure.

My Mom and Dad bought a dingy last year (this little boat that connects to their big boat). Uncle Dave decided to take Makenna, Erika, and I for a ride after he took Ryan for a ride. Ryan loved when Uncle Dave went FAST! He took the girls a little slower, mostly to just get Makenna to sleep and my back can't handle the bumps, so I got to sit on this blue cushion thing that is so comfy. Makenna did fall asleep and then Uncle Dave decided to join her in her nap in the front cabin.

My dad must be hanging out with the girls too much because now he thinks he's cool and shows the peace sign. They are quite the boaters and just seems to know everyone and anyone.

The girls met some new friends. They all had fun swimming together.

My little swimmers!


While the guys were cooking up chicken, burgers, and hot dogs back at the dock in the marina...the girls took the little ones down to the pool. Yes the marina they dock their boat at has a pool, along with anything else you can think of under the sun. They had a blast. At one time my Mom thought Ryan was waving at her when actually he was almost drowning. Good thing Diane was there to save her child. All of them this year are little water bugs. Erika and Olivia are finally swimming in the deep end without life jackets!

You can see the rest of the pictures HERE.

Boating Fun 2008

July 4th Fireworks

The Meador's, Dennis's, and Schultz's headed to the fireworks in Fowlerville on the 4th. We found a great spot right near the playground. The kids had a blast. It is hard to count 7 children under the age of 8 when it is so crowded but we managed not to loose any of them. WHEW!

A child (not any of ours) had pooped and made a skid mark down this slide, nobody was coming to clean it up, and of coarse none of the other parents would fess up to their child's mistake, so Diane decided to glove up (or double bag) and take the matter into her own hands.

Lauren climbing the wall!

Erika and Sophia

Kimmy just got a new double stroller and all the kids were able to get their turn to sit in it! All of them took turns and loved taking care of Sophia.

Olivia and Ryan getting ready for the fireworks

Diane and her little man enjoying a moment together.


Bobby and Eli giving Marina and Makenna a little push. HIGHER DADDY HIGHER!


They were pooped! Snuggle time!

Diane and I with our "Big Gulp's" ;)

Eli bought this ridiculus hat from some strange man at the party store and decided to wear it all night. Sombrero anyone, ugh....

After the fireworks we headed back to Diane and Jeff's and played a little wii. We were out a little too late, but was worth every second.

You can see the rest of the pictures HERE.

July 4th 2008