This isn't funny anymore

Not that it ever was funny, I am so done, not literally of coarse. I am tired of doctors appointments, physical therapy appointments, being stuck with genormous needles, not being able to work, not being able to pick up Makenna and throw her in the air, not being able to carry my girls to bed, falling back into the debt hole we were starting to creep out of, not having my independence!
I am so sick of the unknown. The unknown of when I will be able to wake up in the morning and not feel pain. When I can go back to work. When I can carry laundry upstairs without the fear of reinjuring myself. To not have to take pain medication everyday. To not cringe every time someone asks how I feel because I am so sick of talking about it. I feel like S#!^, is what I want to say. If I say how I really feel, I feel like a big pussy. It is defining me, controlling me and it is starting to become who I am and my frustration is trickling down to my children and to Eli.
I am pissed off that it says that I have a 10lb lifting restriction on my nursing school health form that I have to turn in. I am 32 years old and this is bull crap. I go to physical therapy 3 days a week for 2 hours at a time and I have never missed an appointment, not even one! I work out with old people, not Brad Jeffrey old, I am talking old people. I work my butt off. There are days that I focus on one thing in the room and just keep saying "you can do it, your that much closer". Every time I just want to give up pt, I suck it up and push back the tears, when I just want to stomp my foot sometimes and say, enough already, I do a few more, I push a little harder. The other day there was a lady there in her 80's that had heavier weights on her push down and pull downs then I did. I felt like a little kid. Why does she get more than me? No fair. I actually argued with the technician. He said, sorry Mrs. Schultz, Frank says no. STOP CALLING ME MRS. SCHULTZ, my name is Dana. What is that all about, really....are you joking? I love my physical therapist and he has done wonders and I know things could be worse and this isn't an easy fix. I've been told this over and over. Frank really is pushing me and I am truly blessed to have been put in such great hands. I am happy that I have that sore feeling the next day because I feel like I am getting somewhere. I am happy that I am doing actual strenuous physical exercises, because I know I am becoming capable. Now along with the back and leg pain I have muscle pain and some muscle spasms. You know, the ones that wake you up in the middle of the night, those charlie horse leg pains. It sucks but it makes me feel like I'm getting somewhere. Eli says I don't drink enough water. I am trying to call it the good pain.
The pain injections are starting to wear off I think. I am back on taking pain medication on a regular basis. I really wanted to avoid having more injections because I thought the first experience was so painful, I didn't want to go through it again. I thought I would be fine, I really did.
My internist told me last week that this was a life changing event. I just wanted to fall over. "What do you mean?" Maybe I just never realized it because it was never said to me like that in black and white. I just thought when I felt better, I would be better, end of story.....fixed. Maybe I was too hopeful or completely naive. She told me that this can and probably will happen again and I will always have to be careful. In the simplest of words, according to Dr. Carbajo and Dr. Cueto, physical therapy and exercise is what is going to keep me out of the surgery room and that it will never be "fixed". WHAT? Was she talking to me? I actually thought maybe she was thinking of a different patient. I felt deceived, like someone took something from me. I can be right back to where I was in the beginning with something as simple as turning the wrong way? I don't want to go through that ever again. Lets just hope not for a while, or at least until I finish school and pay off my student loans.
I have to keep up with my exercises and it will never be over. I don't know where I am going to find the drive or the time to do all these exercises when pt is over, in between being a Mom, a wife, a student, and work. I know it's in me, but honestly I can see myself saying, I'll do it tomorrow. I need this strength, I want this strength, but the truth is, I need someone behind me pushing me sometimes.
I was told by a friend last week that maybe I should think about getting a desk job. I was also told by another friend that maybe God is trying to point me in a different direction. Honestly I felt overwhelmingly pissed off. Not after what I have gone through. Not after all that I worked for and suffered through and gave up. I am not a quitter. Nursing was all I ever wanted to do. I have waited long enough. I have done my time. I have worked too hard, I earned it! God is not pointing me in a different direction, that can't be, I absolutely refuse to believe that. He better just be showing me how strong I am, at least I hope that's what he's doing.
I have worked my ass off and nursing is one of my unfinished goals. I am not a pencil pusher. That's not my thing. I can't just sit there, I want to be part of the action. I want to help people, I want to be able to heal people. I want to be able to bring joy and a sense of calmness to someone that is hurting. I want to be there for people who feel as frustrated as I do right now and hold their hand and walk with them and hug them.....you can't do that sitting down. That is who I am. I refuse to let anything crush my hopes and dreams. This is what I believe is my ultimate gift from God. It is the one thing I am so sure of. I am not giving up yet. I am going to get through nursing school and get back to work if I have to do with my walker.