In February 2006, six months after Makenna was born I went on a retreat with two very special women. It was the first time I left my children and husband and it was the first time Eli had to be a solo parent. Sherry flew in from California and met Cathie and I at the airport in Colorado. We rented a car and drove three hours through the jaw dropping Colorado mountains to one of the most peaceful places I have ever been to. The retreat was called Captivating put on by the Ransom Hearth Ministries. It was a great adventure!
This was just before I started going to school full time taking prerequisite classes for nursing school. I was a mother of three beautiful young little girls and a wife of 8 years. Looking back, life seemed so simple then. I laugh thinking that being a mother of three children under the age of 6, a wife, babysat for another baby, worked almost full time ~ thinking life seemed 'simple'. When I look back though, there was a sense of comfort and contentment, knew who I was and knew exactly what I wanted. I wish that I could return to some of those moments if even just for a few minutes that I felt so confident and secure.
This was also the first weekend Eli attended church without me. I remember getting a text message from him, just after a session sitting on my bunk bed. He told me that he packed all three of the girls up and took them out of the house and to church alone without me. I was so happy and so proud of him. With that I can also think back and remember all the years I went to church alone without him, I remember all that years of feeling I can do this (life) all by myself. I still have these stubborn feelings but that's a whole other story.
That weekend changed a lot of what I thought I was and it changed our marriage. Still to this day, on the days I struggle the most with life in general, I go back to moments on that retreat. Moments of silence, courage, and stillness. Moments of just being IN THE MOMENT. I still remember how I felt, I can see the white capped mountain tops, felling so cold standing in line waiting to plummet from up in a tree to the woods beneath me. The entire weekend was full of feelings of excitement, adventure, fear and happiness. With all this came tears and lots of laughter!
I miss that feeling of home and security within myself.
I climbed a trail on this mountain alone in complete silence, half way up the mountain I found a bench and just sat for what felt like eternity. I could have sat there forever. I remember closing my eyes and as cold as it was, all I could feel was the warmth and the sunshine on my face and thinking life couldn't be any better. I felt faith, hope and unconditional love.
After one of our sessions, walking back to our cabin we witnessed this beautiful sky. It was as if time stood still.
