Well, I'm 26 weeks pregnant now. Starting to get more uncomfortable everyday. I am just not one of those "I feel so beautiful" pregnant women.
Eli and I have been working like mad on the upstairs, trying to get everything ready for the baby. We installed new carpet and finished painting and it looks great!
The girls now have their bunk bed and we've put them together to ease into the transition. For the most part, it's going well. They like to talk and giggle at night when they should be going to sleep. It was cute the first few days. Now it's a little frustrating. I hope it passes soon. I really hope they like being together in the same room.
Eli reminded me today that I haven't been writing in my blog. I did start to a few times but was interrupted and was a little unmotivated searching for something to write about. So here I am now almost 2 month later. Better late then never...
I had my 20 week ultrasound. The baby is wonderfully healthy. The sex is not as concrete as I would like but the technician was 'pretty sure' it is a girl! GIRL NUMBER 3!!
For some reason, I feel like it is a boy but I'm not sure why. Maybe I just wished Eli had a boy to raise. I don't care either way. I just want a healthy baby. A happy baby. I do know for sure that I do NOT want another C-section, I'm going to try for a VBAC. I would like a nice childbirth experience, since this will probably be our last.
I know that God will give us what he thinks is best. That's all right by me. There is a reason for everything. There are times that I'm not sure why he gave me all girls though. I've always had a hard time relating to women. I would much rather be with a bunch of men, at least their honest. Dirty at times...but honest. I always thought I would have boys with all the testosterone running in Eli's veins.
Hopefully I don't completely screw up my girls. I don't know how to have a good mother-daughter relationship. I don't feel like I had the best one with my mom when I was growing up. We never talked like girlfriends. I pretty much went into puberty, sex, and boys completely blind! I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know what feelings were right or wrong or even if I was normal.
I want to giggle with my teenage girls, I want to talk about everything with them. I want to know their secrets. I want them to trust me with everything they have. I hope we have a great relationship with each other when their older.
The girls are blessed to have the Daddy that they have, Eli is wonderful. I wished I had a father like him growing up. NOT that I don't love my dad with all my heart, because I do. I just don't remember him around. He worked....A LOT and was so tired, from what I can remember. Eli gets down to their level, he plays, rough houses and is so real with them....the giggles can be heard miles away. He can relate to them on a different level that I can. I feel like I don't have the patience. Sometimes I wonder if God forgot to give it to me. Calm and patient is very difficult for me, it's not something that has ever come naturally. Some days I don't know how to talk to them...or sometime even play with them. If they don't do what I want or they are doing it the wrong way, I get irritated. UGH, shame on me, talk about controlling.
When was it that I forgot how to just act GOOFY! I was the class clown. Always happy and sarcastic...just goofy. Then one day, BAM - I'm some sort of horrible inpatient, crabby person. I've always knew when to take things seriously, just not at this level. I still knew how to joke and laugh and just be stupid.
Sometimes I wonder if my girls will see me as I saw my mother was when I was growing up. I remember there where times when I just thought she was the most angry, serious person that I had ever met. There were times I thought I was adopted or I was given to the wrong family. Having my fathers crazy ears reminded me that I belonged.
It seemed that most of my friends mothers were involved in their lives and happy. Most had their mothers to go to when everything seemed hopeless. I wished I could have had a shoulder to cry on and have my Mommy tell me everything was going to be OK! "You'll get through this and I love you". I hope my girls don't ever feel that I'm not there for them.
My parents gave me more that I deserved, materialistically speaking. I just think that I would have liked a few hugs and kisses and some I LOVE YOU's here and there. I don't want to be that kind of parent but I can feel myself slipping into that direction.
I believe relationships that exist on my side of the family would be very different if Eli wasn't a part of our lives and wasn't so close to my father. I pretty much wrote my family off when I was dating my ex. I was ready to adopt his family and be done with mine. I think in a way Eli has made our family closer.
My parents are wonderful people. They are human too! Everyone is a products of their parents and so on and so on. They meant well. I'm sure they tried hard. I saw things differently than they did when I was younger. I remember having a lot of hate in my heart. I remember wondering when things would get better and asking myself "When will my parents be less angry?". I took many things personally, I blamed myself for things I shouldn't have blamed my self for.
I wonder what it would have been like if I married someone who didn't have any love my Mom and Dad or didn't 'get' my family dynamics. I truly believe I would have only seen my family at holiday get-together's.
I am so blessed and lucky to have my sister. Without her I would be lost. I pray to GOD everyday that Erika and Olivia are as close....so they have each other all the time through good times and bad. I want dinners on Sundays with the girls and their husbands and kids (grand-kids). What if their husbands don't like Eli and I, and they steal our girls from us? I really think I could loose them if I don't treat them all the love they deserve.
I had a ton of things I wanted to get accomplished and now it's not going to happen. I'm just rambling now....and thinking about things I hid away a long time ago.
