Yeah....KEEP RUNNING

We try to have a family dinner as much as possible. Lately the youngest is pulling the 'I don't like this' and 'I don't like that' (food that she has always eaten and liked). She also kicks her chair incessantly, pounds on the table and sings really loud through most of the meal.

It is difficult to hear about what's going on in the lives of the other two when she is constantly screaming for attention. When in reality she does get the most attention and the other two always feel that I'm not giving them enough.

Anyways, usually I'm steady and I can handle what she has been throwing at me except for a couple days ago. I let my horrible day and my back pain take over and get the best of me.

There were the glances back and forth between Eli and I. I felt like my glances to him was pretty clear.  'I'm about to lose it' or 'HELP' apparently it didn't come out clear. After saying calmly to the youngest 'please stop, that's enough' over and over again....

UGH Here it comes.....

JUMPING OUT OF MY CHAIR ~ "OMG SHUT UP....I can't take it anymore!!!! BLAH BLAH BLAH" ~ADULT TEMPER-TANTRUM~ (I'd tell you word for word but I honestly can't remember what was even spewing out of my mouth)

There may have even been a curse word or two in there I don't quite remember, it happened so fast.

~Sigh~

After I removed myself away from the table and the family, Eli came to check on me and started laughing... seriously laughing. Then there was a serious face and a "how are you doing, that was pretty rough.  Dana you scared the living shit out of everyone and the girls and I practically jumped out of our chairs."

Eli told me that my unforgettable unexpected scene that I made reminded him of Lucy (Drew Barrymore) screaming "YEAH...KEEP RUNNING" at the end of this scene in 50 first dates.... then he started laughing again... while I'm choking back the tears.  

We talked it out and I apologized profusely to the girls and put the trouble maker to bed without a book (ouch). I know I should've just removed her from the table and talked to her separately before I completely lost it. I just really wanted to just sit and have a nice family dinner. I want to be able to sit and talk to the girls during dinner.  Is that really too much to ask?

Well it didn't quite work out that way did it?

So when my girls are in therapy...that whole scene will be brought up and talked about I'm sure. Way to go MOMMY DEAREST.

2010 Is Coming To An End

This year was one of the toughest years of my life. Totally trumping the first year of marriage ;) We survived many struggles this year ~ nursing school, a spinal fusion, loosing our house, bankruptcy and a few others. We survived it together and we made it through in one piece! There is life after debt. We are living proof.

My family and I are leaving the past behind and we are not looking back. What's done is done. I'm not ashamed. I am extremely humbled. Keeping my eyes on the recovering road ahead and looking forward to a hopefully tame new year.

I am thankful that 2010 is almost over. I'm not going to dwell on what happened. I am grateful for the experience...but that doesn't mean I would ever want to do it again nor would I recommend it to anyone.

2010 has brought me to a better understanding of who I really am, how strong I thought I was and how strong I really am.  I have learned what marriage is all about and how resilient my 3 beautiful girls are. Talk about unconditional love.

God gave us a time out which in turn gave us time to find ourselves and each other after almost 4 very busy years of prerequisites and nursing school. My husband and I are better friends and we are becoming better parents.  We are now a stronger family and have too many blessings to count! 

BRING ON 2011 :)


Zeitgeist 2010: Year in Review

New Doors of Happiness

 

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us."  ~ Helen Keller 

One of many doors is officially slammed shut and I am trying really hard not to stand there like an ass and stare at it like I can change what just happened.  It's time to finally accept that and move on to the next door.  Just because the door shut doesn't mean the memories and the happiness needs to fade.  

New door, new memories, new attitude, new outlook. Time for change.

I do not want to be lost in limbo.  I don't want to become some shell of a once happy person.  I am ready to admit that it wouldn't take much to push me over the edge.  Defense in gear and walls are up.  I am in the 'don't f#$& with me' mode. I am finding myself secluded in my own little mental mess and I don't want anyone looking in and analyzing it.  

Everyone has a room, a closet, a basement or even a drawer that they keep to themselves and don't want anyone finding or seeing how unorganized or cluttered it is OR God forbid what is actually in the drawer!

Just because I let you get a glimpse of my mess does NOT mean I asked you to help me fix it nor did I ask for your pity.  Who really wants pity?  I guess there may be some people who do, some that may even thrive on it.  I don't understand how.  The thought of it makes me run the other direction.   

Venting about a problem and asking for help with that problem are two different things.  I am not one of those people who accept handouts with grace, I don't like to accept handouts at all.  Maybe it's the feeling of pity, maybe it's my stubbornness, maybe it's the thought of letting my guard down and looking weak, maybe I feel like I don't even deserve it sometimes. 

I know how frustrating it is when people I love won't accept help, especially when I know they need it.  I accept 'no', as hard as it is sometimes.  Sometimes you just have to allow people to fall on their ass.  You can't cushion every fall, as painful as it can be to watch sometimes.  I don't push, even with my children....they need to fall, everyone does...safely.  I give space for failure, I give space for mistakes.  Is that wrong?  

I do know that when I say NO, I mean it.  I don't say 'no' to just be nice because I don't want to put you out, I REALLY MEAN NO!  I try to give people this same respect.  If someone insists or keeps pushing me, I start to get pissed and the whole shutting down and shutting out process starts happening.  It's all about control.  I get it.  Doesn't mean I'm going to change.

Eli took a long weekend after 3 double shifts.  He went back to work this morning.  Other then Thanksgiving day, we didn't let anyone into our world.  We had no plans, no obligations.  Eli just knew.  He knew I needed a social hiatus and that I was on the verge of loosing complete control.  He did not push me.  He let me be quiet.  He let me be angry.  He let me be sad.  He let me grieve.  Every time I started to fall, he was right there.  Every time I needed to walk away from the girls, he stepped in.  When I wanted to talk, he listened. He didn't try to analyze it.  He was my needed comic relief as well as scaring me silly late one night (you'd think I'd be used to his pranks).  

Eli is the only one close to me that truly understands the depth of crap because he's standing in most of it with me.  He knows my past, present and glimpse of a future.  Eli sees that next door of happiness.  He has for a long time, I truly believe that, but he knew I had to see it on my own.  He has always been patient that way.  As much as he wanted to jump up and down screaming, "look, look, don't you see it? It's right there!", he didn't.  He just let me be!

I know I am frustrating.  I know I look like I'm ignoring people, shutting people out, antisocial and that I'm angry at the world.  I don't care.  I needed this.  I needed the silence.  There is nothing that will undo what is already done.  

What I wouldn't give right now to be standing there on that balcony with that view....

My hand is on the doorknob. 

Trick or Treat

Our new house doesn't have a subdivision (being on a main road) and we were up in the air on whether or not to trick-or-treat at the old house.  The Coulters invited us to trick-or-treat with them and the Swiders. We decided it would be best to be around friends.....and we had a blast :)  

They live it a HUGE subdivision in Livonia and for the first time Makenna made it all the way to the bitter end, filled with energy and sugar,  (thank God for the wagon).  Cathie left candy on her porch and all 6 adults and 7 children headed out roaming the streets in Livonia.  Matt and his friends hung back, went to a few houses and then passed out candy.
It was nice being only 1 subdivision away from where I grew up and brought back some old memories...

Some houses in their sub were all decked out to 'scare' the kids.  Makenna LOVED IT, cautious at the first scare but then was chasing those dressed up ghouls and giving them knuckles....asking them how old they were and if they were married and had children.  It was so great watching her.  She kept wanting to go back to the really scary house that none of the other girls would even walk by so she could say 'Hi' to her new friends. 

It was one of the funnest Halloweens I think we have ever had as a family! 

The rest of the Halloween Pictures are HERE.......

Halloween 2010

Olivia is 9!!!

Olivia did get her BIG FAT CHAP-STICK'S that she asked for!

Olivia is 9, last year in the single digits! Well that went by fast... Somehow her birthday always gets mumble jumbled into Halloween, like it did again this year. Her teacher didn't remember to celebrate her birthday with the class or write her name up on the board as the birthday girl because it fell on the same day as the Halloween party at school and we all know how distraction happens. She didn't get to pass out her birthday treats to her new classmates and she was so bummed! She came home so sad because only 3 people wished her a Happy Birthday at school. UGH, I hate as a mother watching the whole disappointment thing happen.

That night we went out to dinner....just our family, to a new little restaurant in downtown Wixom and played Mario Cart in the evening. We decided, well I guess I decided... that we were going to have a big bash for her birthday! :) It was a last minute thing that I actually decided the day before her birthday. So on Devils Night we had 14 kids and 14 adults fill this house with laughter and LOVE :)  I absolutely love having all of our friends and family under one roof! I can't believe how much we all reproduced over the years!!!

Saturday Olivia was super excited about people coming over to see HER! She even helped Eli and I get the house ready for everyone to come over and put together party favors for all her friends. So she did get to pass out her treats...but it was to all her close friends. Watching her gather together, count, recount and make sure that nobody was left out made me smile. That's my Olivi-tree! She is so observant of others and their feelings.  Olivia wants everyone to have fun and no one ever to be left out....except when there's sibling rivalry of course.

Thank you to all who made Olivia feel extra special on her Birthday! We love you all!!!

The rest of the pictures of the party is HERE....

Olivia's 9th Birthday

Come Monday, It'll Be All Right!

Every Monday on facebook and twitter everyone seems to complain about Monday mornings.  I have always worked Saturday and/or Sundays the majority of my adult life, so Mondays have always been just another day. I have never had a Monday-thru-Friday work week, with weekends off.  When I was in school I may have disliked Monday mornings because there was always something due or there was some kind of test or quiz, but again...just another day of the week.
Being off on my medical hiatus, Monday mornings to me now is the day that Eli goes back to work and all 3 girls are in school.....ALL day.  Today, I don't have ANY appointment, physical therapy or errand I have to run.  It's quiet, I have control of remote and I'm watching Ellen.  My house is mostly clean, the laundry is under control and I'm trying to behave until I get the results from the MRI/CT scan that I have to have done on Wednesday. 
No, our move still isn't complete...but now that my mail is finally being forwarded to our new house and all that is left to move is too heavy for me to carry, I am staying far away.  There is no reason for me to go there alone to cry and ruin my day.
The rest of the week is busy with appointments. Olivia's 9th birthday is on Friday, Halloween school parties...blah blah.  Why do I feel guilty that I'm sitting here enjoying 'me' time?  There are things that I 'could' do but when I get going....I end up doing things I shouldn't do. 
I need to update my BLS card.  I've been thinking about looking into alternative nursing jobs that do not interest me and does not require full use of my back.  Thinkin maybe more school??  There is obviously some plan for me but I can't quite put my finger on it.  I may need to change my future that I wanted up a bit.  I think that if I prepare myself for the possibility of having permanent restrictions and it doesn't end up happening, I will be better off.  I need something to fall back on...something to focus on right now. 
One thing I do know is that I'm changing the channel because having to listen to Kathie Lee Gifford is not gratifying.

La La La

'La La La' is a joke between Eli and I.  It is mostly used when we are hinting to each other that we are just done with the conversation, done trying to explain it, done talking about a a certain topic or done arguing about it....just ~ DONE ~.  Yeah, it's kinda where I'm at right now, but I'm pretty sure Eli's on board, standing with me this time.

Most of you know that we are moving, well technically we have moved but have crap here there and everywhere.  We are not exactly completely out of the Brighton house, but it is almost complete.  I am awaiting that day so I can have my full blown meltdown and THEN I can finally get on with life and put this behind us.  I would be sad moving even if it was a choice that we made.  Saying goodbye to a chapter that has impacted you in your life is usually hard.  Unfortunately this was a choice that we have been forced into or I guess, in a way, you could say we fell into..... really hard, which makes it that much more difficult to say goodbye to what we once called home.  Thank God for my spectacular memories.  Sifting through the proof of memories has been heart-wrenching.  Deciding what goes where, what gets thrown out and what comes with us has been really tough.  Setting fire to and BURNING some of that proof of the bad memories in our new fire-pit has been very therapeutic!

Eli, the girls and I had a 'family fire' a couple weekends ago and it gave me some peace in my heart.  We talked to the girls about life, asked them questions about how they feel, we laughed, and there were some tears but it was wonderful!  We played 'we're going on a trip' and Makenna owned it, Eli and I were shocked!  We had a great night together!

We're going on a trip and we are going to bring:
Apples, Bananas, Carrots, Dog, Elephant, Fergie, Gorilla, Happy Horse, Igloo, Jillian, Koala, Leopard, Makenna, Nana, Ostrich, Pepperoni, Quilt, Rhinoceros, Slippery Snake, Tent, Unicorn, Velveteen rabbit, Whistle, Xylophone, Yo-yo, Zebra.

The 4 acres and farmhouse that we now call home, has already brought us some pretty great, new and improved memories ~ unforgettable, laughing until your side hurt memories!  We had our first fire, Makenna had her first official friend sleepover and we celebrated Makenna's 5th birthday and Papa's birthday.

Pictures off all the fun are HERE in our online albums.

HERE are some pictures of the house before we started moving in.  We've been working hard and the girls are helping, loving it most of the time, arguing some of the time.  The girls started a new school and they couldn't be happier!  I love the school system, I love that the bus stop is at the end of the driveway and I can sit on my BIG porch watching them and waving as they get on and off the bus.  WE love the yard and MOST of the critters.  Not so much the spiders and the stray cat that is crapping and pissing on the driveway and bushes....but the great definitely outweighs the stupid little things.

Fresh Start

Back to School 2010

Changing the subject a bit, my back progression has taken a turn in the wrong direction, having some new and strange sensations, increased pain along with continued swelling in my legs and feet is beginning to piss me off a bit.  Being 34 years old and on Lasix is a little abnormal but I'm rolling with it to be more comfortable.  I am having a CT scan and a repeat MRI next week to check the hardware position, fusion progression and/or possible rupture/herniation of another level.  The doctor has discontinued physical therapy until we get the results and see the surgeon again in 2 weeks.  So LALALALALA....  is all I have left to say about that. 

All in all we're hanging in there together as a family.  Taking it day by day.  What else can we do?

Girls Weekend Away

I went away for a girls only get-away last weekend. I haven't left my family behind since Makenna was a baby. Cathie kidnapped Jen and I and we headed away from the chaos of what we call everyday life. The adventure started from the moment Cathie picked me up till the moment she dropped me off at home late Sunday night. 

It thunder-stormed most of the way up there, especially towards the end.  The lightning shows were beautiful yet creepy at the same time. It was so dark and we were in the middle of nowhere. Reminded me of a few scary movies.  We drove for miles without seeing another car, lights or signs of civilization as it poured down.  We only saw what was around us when the lightning decided to show us. 

All night long from the wind and the rain we could hear acorns dropping on the roof of the cabin.  It sounded more like someone was dumping them down at times and was a little creepy at first but falling asleep with the noise of nature was not hard to do after a nightly session of girl talk.

Saturday morning we woke up and chatted while drinking lots of coffee, eating lots of chocolate, and an entire entenmann's coffee cheese cake and lounged. We headed out for the day, getting lost a few times throughout the day (well maybe most of the whole weekend), which made the weekend that much more perfect. We went to the sand dunes, Lake Michigan, Fox Barn Winery and had the best bar food ever, along with a great big shot of nasty tequila (seriously must have been El Toro...blech, yes I'm a snobby tequila drinker), celebrating Jen's 40th birthday.

The weather was a perfect gift that was greatly received and enjoyed all weekend long!

I love the autumn colors in Michigan. The clouds were soft and white and the sky could not have been any bluer.  I got a little lost in the scenery and taking pictures!  I took tons of them to the point where my camera card was full.  I didn't want to miss anything.

I was barefoot and happy! The sand was so warm at the beach but so cold at the dunes.  The lake Michigan water was crisp, clear and as blue as the sky. I loved sharing these moments with some pretty special women!

This was my first trip to a winery (sad, but true). Very cute, small, off season and perfect. We bought some asparagus guacamole, pickled jalapeño asparagus, cherry garlic spread, cherry salsa and cheese. Which all made for a yummy breakfast Sunday morning, random.....but completely yummy :)

We had no expectations, we relaxed, we talked, and we celebrated. No movies, no books, no children, no yelling, no arguing and no have to's. We were lost, we laughed, we sang, we walked, we talked, we enjoyed silence (which didn't happen all that often) AND OH DEAR GOD WE ATE! We even changed Jen from a vegan back to a vegetarian!

It was a great getaway. I went by so fast. I missed my family but my weekend away was enjoyed to the fullest and I came back refreshed. It was great to forget about responsibilities for a couple days.

Thank you Cathie for kidnapping me, thank you Jen for a new friendship, much thank you to Will's Mom for loaning us the cabin in the woods to de-stress.  Most of all, thank you Eli for taking over so I could relax and enjoy my weekend away with no worries!!!

All the rest of the pictures are HERE. Or you can click on the album...

Girls Weekend 2010

Uncharted Territory

Don't waste a moment regretting past mistakes or wishing it were otherwise. Ask yourself how you would like it to be now, and invest your energy in building the life you believe in. Then your life will reflect your choices, not your fears.

There is nothing permanent except change.  This is something I say to myself daily when I wake up to face another day in our adventure of uncharted territory.

I am trying to remember when or if I had ever had consistency in my life.  Does anyone ever really have it?  I always welcomed change because change and procrastination kept me and my adrenalin moving along.  By the time I actually have time to sit and think about what just happened, it was already over and I was already onto the next and it didn't really matter anymore.  Keep truckin, move along, lets go, hurry up, almost there.... and then all of a sudden, it's over, it's passed so fast I didn't even know how or what really happened.   

To be completely honest, I feel uneasy and squirmy during calm, quiet, stand-still, limbo moments.  Eli has always said that if I was under questioning for some sort of crime, I would crack and confess every detail because I can't just sit still and deal with the silence.  He gets a kick out of it and he uses this to his advantage quite frequently.  Awkward silence is even worse, it's the worst type of torture imaginable!  I would pick chaos, arguing and noise over silence any day.  There are even times I would rather be with my worst enemy than be sitting alone in complete silence. 

If there is any type of normal, I have no idea what 'normal' is. Everything in my life had to be fast paced or chaotic.  I kept it that way, guilty as charged!  One of my biggest pet peeves are people who either cannot multi-task or refuse to multi-task.  It drives me absolutely crazy to watch people move slow like snails and/or can't do two things at once.  This is a horrible quality that I have and I am completely aware of it.  Not such a great quality to have being a mother and a wife.  I'm not sure if it was a learned quality or if I was just born without patience.  I think I have somehow just been trained to never stop and smell the roses.  If it takes too long for someone to do something, it's like.....JEEEZZZEEEE already, I'll just do it myself.  Erika and Eli like to take their time and they think it all the way through and take it all in before they act or speak and it drives me absolutely batty.....jealous at times, but completely batty.  Now Olivia and Makenna, and I on the other hand are here, there and everywhere, go go go.  Random, loud, un-focused at times and moving so fast that we sometimes run into walls.  Family dynamics are always an adventure...

I thought after marriage, after our first house, after children, after college graduation (for the second time), after passing my boards, after proving myself to God knows who, after surgery, after recovery I would/could finally see and accept normal.  To maybe accept calm and contentment, but I was so wrong.  Life is still changing so fast that I think my head is spinning a little bit.  I thought during recovery from surgery I would be forced to be still and I would become comfortable with it.  I would learn some patience and learn to love it.  Well....I still haven't recovered and I still am NOT comfortable with it.  Instead I learned how much I hate it and I was forced to see all the things I didn't want to.  What I have found is that in order to be still you have to take it ALL in....SLOWLY, you need to own your faults, mistakes and problems.  All the mistakes that have been made, all the lies that have been told, all the wrong that you wished you've done right, all the times that were overlooked when they should have been enjoyed, all the thank you's that should have been said instead of blame, all the could have, should have, and would have's are up close and personal!

I really am not trying to dwell on the past.  I am trying to live up to my famous words of encouragement I have always told myself "If it didn't teach you something, it was a waste of time".  Mistakes are meant to be made, right? It is what is suppose to define us, move us, changes us for better or worse. 

My anal retentive self is noticing all the t's that I have left uncrossed and the i's that I have left un-dotted.  I am not working or going to school and feel like I have failed.  I miss work, I miss school, I miss being a part of society, I miss so many things that I didn't think I would.  My children are in school during the day and I have moments of silence.  ALONE time, is something that I thought I always wanted.  ALONE time is something I have NO idea how to do!!  My mind starts racing and I find myself uncomfortable in my own skin.  

Sitting still in silence, realizing and actually feel the sadness and anger that I feel about certain things is really shitty!  Things tucked away for many many years are brought to the surface.  To realize where our family is right now and follow the time-line from there to here sucks.  What sucks even worse is to think about what kind of pain or hurt that I may have inflicted on someone I care about because of a result of my own actions.  All the times I was too busy for my husband, children, family, or friends comes to mind too frequently.  To come to terms with something that was done to me or that I have done to someone else is even more difficult than I could have ever imagined. 

I know physical pain, I own it, I live it, it has been a constant in my everyday life for over 2 years.  Emotional pain is just as hard, if not harder, to deal with.  To come face to face with it, stare eye to eye with it and see it for what it really is, I can honestly say, is probably the hardest element of it all.  I used to think that the acknowledgment of wrongs, mistakes, or hurt was the difficult part, but it's not.  The 'ignoring', 'never dealing with', 'coming to terms with', 'letting go of', or actual 'FORGIVENESS' of those wrongs, mistakes or hurts is what is truly the hard part.  For so long, I made 'covering things up' a masterpiece.  I made 'ignoring' a work of art.

"What? I don't know what you're talking about...."

"Do we really need to talk about this now?"
"That's OK."
"I'm fine." 
"It's no big deal."
"It doesn't really bother me."
"I'm too tired to talk about it right now."
"Really it's fine....."
"Tomorrow...."
"I'll call you back later."

These have been my words to live by for quite sometime or maybe I just didn't answer the phone.  I am one of those people who do not want to accidentally hurt someones feelings and I don't like to 'rock the boat'.  I would rather hear all about your problems than deal with my own.  Either I will feel less alone or my life won't seem all that bad after all.

Well damn it, yes I'm pissed, yes I'm hurt, yes this sucks, yes it could have been different....BUT it's not different!  There, I said it. Everything is still the same.  I'm not hiding. It's time to grow up, stop pretending it will all go away on its own and face it!  So now that we're finally clear on that lets try and make it better!

"IT IS WHAT IT IS!" ~ I HATE this saying.  It is actually like nails on the chalkboard for me and I honestly feel like I could punch that person in the face when they say it.  There is always something that can be done to make things a little better, a little easier!  Something to break the fall.  Whether it be a smile, a note, a touch, a wave, a nudge or to just be in the present with that person.  Just sit by that person.  Say a freakin prayer!  You don't have to know what that person is going through or even understand it.  No matter how hard you try, YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT SOMEONE IS GOING THROUGH!!!!  DO NOT TRY TO FIX IT, it's not your job!!!  Just acknowledge that there is a problem and that there are emotions involved and quit pretending like everyone doesn't see the big fat purple elephant in the room.  Ignoring it and pretending you had nothing to do with it does not make everything go away and sooner or later it will catch up to you and bite you in the ass! 

Wow, so most of this is just rambling, venting, trying to make sense of things going on right now.  Our family is going through a lot of pretty tough gains and losses.  Most all of our close friends know the struggles right now, so there really isn't any need or want to explain it all here.  As much as things suck right now, I feel like Eli and I are surrounded by the people who truly know us for who we are and don't judge us, they just love us!  I do believe people are brought into our lives for a reason and the people in our lives are the best ever! 

As much as things suck right now, it couldn't be going any better, if that makes any sense...  I have contentment in knowing we will get through this because of my strong and unbreakable friendships and my family!  We are so blessed to have the love, support, trust and complete honesty from everyone so close to us right now.

Yesterday I told Eli that I had this moment during the day that I felt this weird feeling that all this *crap* was too good to be true.  I don't know exactly why our hardship seems 'too good to be true' but I actually felt that things were finally falling into place.  These pieces are just fitting too perfectly.  I almost felt like we didn't deserve it and felt unworthy. 

Some days I feel that everything is about to start crumbling down at any moment and then faith reminds me of what is so right in our lives.  I am humbled.  I am thankful.  Our family could be so much worse off but there is this energy that I am grasping onto ~ whether it be karma, God, grace, faith, love or support.  Something is keeping Eli and I hand in hand walking on through all this muck.  I feel the strong unbreakable grip we have on each other and I am not about to let go now. 

I work hard trying not to question all the wrongs or why things ever got as bad as they did.  I am not going to try and control a fight that we are so badly loosing.  I am giving in and letting go, God is in control right now and Eli and I are trying our best to enjoy and focus on the good in our lives.  Bring on the adventure, whether good or bad, the unknown, the change, maybe even the silent calm.  I know that I am not alone, I have the best of the best with me on this journey into uncharted territory.

Speed Bump....

The hype and excitement have subsided.  I have conquered what I set out to achieve with all my hard work, all that was handed to me and all that I fought so hard for.  Going into nursing school with a back injury was definitely not my intention when I started taking prerequisites to get into the program.  With the help of many doctors, pain specialist, and my physical therapist and support from my family and friends, I did it and made it through in one piece.  I am worn out. My back and my mind have had enough and I am calling it quits for a little bit...MERCY!  

I started seeing a neurologist/neurosurgeon in February.  With much careful considerations, second opinions including seeing an orthopedic surgeon, and many many discussions with Eli, I have decided to have back surgery.  My neurosurgeon, Eli and I have decided on an ALIF (Anterior Lumbar Interbody Fusion).  Fancy term for back surgery through the stomach.  It adds a little bit of complication but recovery should be smoother if all goes well.  I will hopefully be able to laugh when I set off the metal detector at the airport on our way to a vacation somewhere beautiful when all of this is said and done.

Yesterday was my pre-op appointment/physical and received all my paperwork and hand outs to prepare for this surgery and hospital stay.  I would be lying if I said that I am not terrified.  Eli and I went through the paper work and risks again together and talked about the what-ifs last night and now I think Eli is a little nervous but I can tell he is trying really hard to stay strong from me.  I will be checking into the hospital on Monday at 5:30 am and am hoping to be home by Thursday.  Recovery will take time and I'm trying to be very optimistic yet careful about my expectations.

It is going to be a huge change to be the patient and be on the opposite end of the spectrum.  Now that I am more educated on what can happen and what does happen in the hospital make things a little nerve-racking for me. With that considered, I have chosen a highly recommended neurosurgeon, vascular surgeon and a hospital that I have had nothing but great experiences from.

Recovery will depend on a few things.  How well the bones fuse together, how well I behave, if there are any complications and how fast I heal.  I will have limitations for 6 months to 1 year and it will be difficult and next to impossible to get a nursing job with these restrictions.  So my light at the end of the tunnel has become a little further away but as of now I still see it.  I am blessed to have my job at AEC and my friends at AEC that have been working with my limitations this far and will take me back a little broken when I am able to start working again.

While I am recovering I will be enjoying my family, working on my resume, and studying for my NCLEX.  I am not allowed to drive for 4 weeks which goes well with the fact that I still don't have a car.  I have been trying to get this house organized and cleaned to my anal retentive perfection of what I call clean but I am having a hard time with all of this physically and emotionally.  The closer Monday gets, the sadder I get for many reasons.  Money being a big reason, not being the Mommy and the wife that I want to be is another.  I find myself becoming even more frustrated when I see all my nursing school friends finding jobs and going to interviews.  They are fulfilling their journey of become a nurse, while I am preparing my house and family for not having me at my best once again.

Eli keeps telling me that God gives us what we are capable of handling and we will make it through this.  If this is true, than this must be the reason why I have Eli with me. This one I don't feel that I am capable of handling alone.  I am in over my head and I have learned to let go of some of my excessive control and am handing this over to Eli for full support.  I even gave him permission to shave my legs!  I am so grateful for my husbands ginormous strength, courage, forgiveness, and love.  Life in the Schultz household has been on many twists and turns in the past year and I really wanted to finally be at a little bit of a standstill to come back together and make up for what has been lost along the way.

I'm not sure of what normal will eventually be in the future but I am hopeful for normal one day soon.  I am waiting impatiently for my exciting and terrifying first day as a nurse on my own without a clinical instructor.  I just have to wait a little longer than I wanted and expected. I am still proud of my accomplishments!  Focusing on that is helping.  Continuing to focus on that will hopefully help me all the way through this recovery.  Nothing is going to stop me from dusting off my walker and get ready for some cruising.  As of now I am up for the challenge.

There has been a few doctors that question if my back will be able to handle the physical stress of the big world of nursing.  I say that I have made it this far for a reason.  I WILL be a nurse and I will be a great one!  I am just being taught once again about patience.  BRING IT!

PICTURES :)

Graduation

She makes me SMILE :)

~I Love My Mom~
I'm thankful that you make me stay home from school when I'm sick, you want no germs in my class.
I'm thankful that you make me feed the dog, you want me to be responsible.
I'm thankful that you make me eat good foods, you want me to be healthy.
I'm thankful for you because you are thankful for me.

Love,
Erika xo

Olivitree

Mom,

When I close my eyes I see your soft sparkling blue eyes, your smooth dark brown hair that reminds me of a blanket. The smile on your face warms my heart.

I appreciate how you help me.

I love it when you hug me and kiss me.

I will always remember the way you laugh and the way you did my hair.

Love Daughter

Via

Smurf's Bar Crawl

This picture says it all!

So I attended my first bar crawl.  Eli and I headed to downtown Lansing.  I was so excited to introduce Eli to my other part of my life.  I have made some great friends along this journey.  I have learned so much from some of these people.  We had a great group and I can honestly say that some of these people felt like family.  Most of the time we all worked as a team with a common goal and a want to make a difference.  We have cried together, complained together, but most of all we have all had some great laughs together.  It's hard to believe that I won't see some of these people four times a week anymore.  As much as I was so completely DONE  with this program, I will never forget all the learning experiences and friendships I have made along the way!  This night was a great night to end our trip to hell and back!  We DID IT, we succeeded and damn did we celebrate!!!  I LOVE ALL MY FELLOW SMURFS and will miss you all so much!!!!

The rest of the pictures along with some of our last days as 'Nursing Students' are here.....

Or just click on the album

Nursing Madness :)

Bandit AKA 'The Sock Bandit'

THE CLAW

Bandit was hit by a car when he was about a year old.  Couple surgeries later, a pneumothorax, and lots of cage rest, he ended up with radial nerve damage and a great attitude.  Everyone recommended that I amputated his leg.  I thought it gave him character.  We decided to call it the claw, but it worked more like a hook.  He could catch birds with it, clean his face and tackle his other best buds in the household with it.  The claw made him who he was until the day he was send to be reunited with Stanley, Cloudy, Misty, Anabelle, Katie, and Capone.  He has left Bink, who was his best friend and right now it's so hard to watch Bink be sad and alone.

He was called Bandit because he would steal socks.  He would get into my Dad's sock drawer and then after I was married, Eli's sock drawer.  He would put socks randomly around the entire house.  The socks would have great big holes in them.  Rarely were you able to catch him in the act.  Sometime you could hear this crazy meow growl sound and see him walk around the corner with a sock in mouth like he just killed prey. 

He would nurse all my stray babies that I would bring home through the years, and there were ALOT.  He would clean them and keep them warm, watch over them and be a surrogate mother to them, except for the birds of course....  He was always in the mix.  Never cared what was new that was brought in the household and always wanted to pitch in and help. 

Bandit was 16 years old to the month.  He was my first baby!  He was with me through thick and thin....tech school, marriage, our first apartment, first house, children, jobs, and last but not least nursing school.  He was always around especially if you were happy, sick, injured, sad, or pregnant.  When my friends and I were all started to have children, we would call him the pregnancy test.  It was like he just knew.  He loved parties and loved attention.  When the girls were sick or sad he was there...ALWAYS.  After Eli and I told the girls that he passed, Erika was crying so hard she could barely speak and she spit out "he would be with me right now, trying to make me feel better, he can't be gone, he just can't".  And he would've been.  He would lick the tears away, cuddle up tight and just be there, no questions asked. It's was so hard to be the Mom in that moment and be strong so I could be there for her when I felt the same exact way.

There will NEVER be another pet in my life that could fill the hole of what he was to this family and to me.  You could have a conversation with him and he would answer you, he would even talk to himself on many occasions, usually in the middle of the night when everyone was sleeping.  He would wake us all up and you would hear all of us scream from our beds "BE QUIET BANDIT".  

 

His last Christmas with us

Seriously??  You woke me up for that????

Bandit always would study with me.  He was my study partner.  When he heard me get the books out, he was there.  He was there for my late night care map session.  He was there when I was stressed about a test.  Always laying on my papers.  Sometimes just to keep me company, sometimes for attention.  Be he was there.  The past couple of days have been so hard because I still think I see him because Boof looks so much like him and I just want to cry. 

There has been so much change in our lives this past week and this is one that I wish I could take away and just have a little more time.

Bandit will forever be in our hearts and is a part of many many memories that our family has made!

Stanley will always be my 'Fat Boy'

LET ME GIVE YOU A BIG KISS XOXO

He always let Makenna do anything to him!

Even cuddled with her when she was sick.

Stanley was the biggest of the litter. Eli wanted him and named him, Stanley just fit. I bottle fed him and his litter, he was one of my children before my real children. He would jump on your back if you bent over, it was almost as if he would come out of nowhere. He always had to be in the mix!

I have bottle fed MANY animal babies. He tolerated ALL of them. Him and Bandit would take over and be a surrogate to anything that I brought home. He had the nickname 'Shamu' for a while because at one point he was so fat he could help but rest after a few steps and could barely make it up the stairs. He would literally fall to the side in slow motion when he was at his best. He was the laziest most laid back cat in our family. Always out and about and loved to snuggle up close.

Last year he started loosing weight and was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. Even on medication he still slowly lost weight. Yesterday his respirations became increased and I could tell he was struggling to get around and I had to leave him to go to school. I felt so horrible leaving him like that but I had a test and had lab. When I got home after school I took him to work and I had to make 'the decision'. Chronic high blood pressure and hyperthyroidism damaged his heart and kidneys and both of his lungs filled with fluid and he was in heart failure. I had to say goodbye to my Budda Man. One of the most difficult things for me to deal with, to this day, is watching anything struggle to breath. I just can't handle it. I don't even know how I made it though our ordeal when Makenna was in the hospital with pneumonia and RSV. That was the toughest week of my life.

As an LVT I have become 'used to' euthanasia as just a part of my job, it is something that I deal with almost every day at work especially working in emergency veterinary care. Some days are harder than others. I know how to support the client in their loss. I have become quite the pro.

It never gets easier when they are your own. Stanley was purring and doing his head bump and rub love even as he fell asleep for the last time. I will miss him, I don't remember a day where he wasn't in it, either pestering me for food or just laying next to me while I studied. He loved our family and we loved him. He is now with Cloudy, he was the closest with her....or I guess he was the only one who tolerated her attitude. Yes I do believe there is an animal heaven. It's what has gotten me through the past 15 years in veterinary medicine.

So Thank You to everyone who was there for me yesterday including my AEC family and especially Eli. Thank You Colleen for helping me, being honest with me and supporting me as my friend and not as Doctor.  Thank You Juli for taking care of him for me and Thank You Dr. Robertson for helping me put an end to his suffering.

A Little Reflection

In February 2006, six months after Makenna was born I went on a retreat with two very special women.  It was the first time I left my children and husband and it was the first time Eli had to be a solo parent.  Sherry flew in from California and met Cathie and I at the airport in Colorado.  We rented a car and drove three hours through the jaw dropping Colorado mountains to one of the most peaceful places I have ever been to.  The retreat was called Captivating put on by the Ransom Hearth Ministries.  It was a great adventure! 

This was just before I started going to school full time taking prerequisite classes for nursing school.  I was a mother of three beautiful young little girls and a wife of 8 years.  Looking back, life seemed so simple then.  I laugh thinking that being a mother of three children under the age of 6, a wife, babysat for another baby, worked almost full time ~ thinking life seemed 'simple'.  When I look back though, there was a sense of comfort and contentment, knew who I was and knew exactly what I wanted.  I wish that I could return to some of those moments if even just for a few minutes that I felt so confident and secure.

This was also the first weekend Eli attended church without me.  I remember getting a text message from him, just after a session sitting on my bunk bed.  He told me that he packed all three of the girls up and took them out of the house and to church alone without me.  I was so happy and so proud of him.  With that I can also think back and remember all the years I went to church alone without him, I remember all that years of feeling I can do this (life) all by myself.  I still have these stubborn feelings but that's a whole other story.

That weekend changed a lot of what I thought I was and it changed our marriage.  Still to this day, on the days I struggle the most with life in general, I go back to moments on that retreat.  Moments of silence, courage, and stillness.  Moments of just being IN THE MOMENT.  I still remember how I felt, I can see the white capped mountain tops, felling so cold standing in line waiting to plummet from up in a tree to the woods beneath me.  The entire weekend was full of feelings of excitement, adventure, fear and happiness.  With all this came tears and lots of laughter!

I miss that feeling of home and security within myself.

I climbed a trail on this mountain alone in complete silence, half way up the mountain I found a bench and just sat for what felt like eternity.  I could have sat there forever.  I remember closing my eyes and as cold as it was, all I could feel was the warmth and the sunshine on my face and thinking life couldn't be any better.  I felt faith, hope and unconditional love. 

After one of our sessions, walking back to our cabin we witnessed this beautiful sky.  It was as if time stood still.