Last week was a little rough on me though I did survive. Eli and I were fighting, Marina was horrid, and Erika was mad at me for not taking her to ballet.
Saturday Diane and Kimmy came over, while the boys went to the Kurts for poker. Before the guys left, Eli made dinner. Ribs, kielbasa, cheesy potatoes, and my famous tomato salad. ELI ROCKS and did an awesome job. I'm not one who likes ribs, but they were great! He was so proud of himself.
Sunday we went to church, which was a great service. Olivia and I took a nap together. Then we all went to Outback for dinner. I didn't sleep very good last night. I was tossing and turning all night. I've had so much on my mind lately.
Erika is loosing teeth left and right. It is making me realize that she is growing up. I can't believe she is going to be in 1st grade. I had Olivia tested for junior kindergarten on Thursday. Going back and forth on whether I should hold her back or not???? This school year is almost over! It has gone by so fast.
BUSY BUSY month! Erika and Olivia both have so much going on with school events. Eli starts golfing this Thursday. Everyday life is so busy anyways.
I was invited to go away for Memorial weekend with Cathie, Lori, and Jen. So I have something to look forward to at the end of the month. Hopefully it will help the month go by that much faster.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Monday, April 24, 2006
I am the big 3-0
Eli is the greatest! He threw me a surprise 30th birthday party at my parents house. It was so great (except for when I was worshiping the porcelain gods)!
It was a beautiful night. Most of the evening I sat outside by the fire and talked. It made me realize how important family and friends truly are. I had no idea. Love celebrating my birthday with my friends and family!!! I felt so loved!
It's official. I am now 30. I'm ok with it. On my birthday Diane and I took the girls to the Lansing Zoo. Sunny beautiful day in Michigan! The kids loved the animals. Afterwards we had a barbecue at the Meadors house. Jeff and I, once again, whooped Diane and Eli in euchre.
Eli and I watched Walk the Line. Loved it. I'm not a big Johnny Cash fan but I absolutely love Reese Witherspoon, I think she is a great actress.
It was a beautiful night. Most of the evening I sat outside by the fire and talked. It made me realize how important family and friends truly are. I had no idea. Love celebrating my birthday with my friends and family!!! I felt so loved!
It's official. I am now 30. I'm ok with it. On my birthday Diane and I took the girls to the Lansing Zoo. Sunny beautiful day in Michigan! The kids loved the animals. Afterwards we had a barbecue at the Meadors house. Jeff and I, once again, whooped Diane and Eli in euchre.
Eli and I watched Walk the Line. Loved it. I'm not a big Johnny Cash fan but I absolutely love Reese Witherspoon, I think she is a great actress.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Easter Weekend
I had no time to be tired. I spent my morning on the phone. Makenna and I went Costco shopping with Marina and Kimmy. Bobby and Eli had to work on the leak problem on the roof. In the evening, Erika and Olivia colored Easter eggs. They did a great job. Then Eli and I put the kids to bed and got down to business. (not that kind of business) I had to get the house in order. Eli stuffed and hid the eggs and I worked on baskets. It took me 2 seconds to fall asleep when my head hit that pillow!
Early Sunday morning we did our traditional egg hunt. Then rush to get ready for Marina's baptism. Marina looked like an angel. She did great! I have to admit, I do NOT miss Catholic mass. It was a little painful, especially with 3 kids. It was 1 1/2 hours. It felt like years. I still have most of the mass memorized. I'm not sure of that's sad or if I should be proud of that???
After the baptism, we headed off to Kim and Bobs for brunch. Then off to my mom and dads for dinner with the family.
It was a great weekend. The girls had so much fun all weekend! They were behaving like little princesses and I was so proud of them. It's good to just step back a little and watch them do their thing. I've really been trying hard to watch my control issues. It's been paying off. I've had a great sense of CALM this weekend. Busy as it was, it was a great feeling.
Monday, April 10, 2006
My brokeback weekend
Friday night, Eli fell asleep on the couch around 9:00. I played backgammon till around midnight.
Saturday, the girls and I went to Kurts for pizza. After dinner, Cathie and I watched Brokeback Mountain. It was a little more graphic than I expected. Some holy crap, I didn't think it was necessary to go that far moments.
It took us a little over 3 hours to watch a 2 hours movie. We had a few interruptions from the kids and we kept having to shut it off because we didn't want the girls to see what was actually on the screen. Olivia and Emily stayed up too late. Olivia was so tired Sunday morning.
Sunday we went to church and after we went to a Easter egg hunt. The girls had a great time! They ate a ton of candy. When we got home, the girls and I all took a nap together. I don't even remember the last time I took a 3 hour nap. IT WAS GREAT! Eli cleaned the garage out and returned bottles. The garage looks fantastic! He did a great job.
Saturday, the girls and I went to Kurts for pizza. After dinner, Cathie and I watched Brokeback Mountain. It was a little more graphic than I expected. Some holy crap, I didn't think it was necessary to go that far moments.
It took us a little over 3 hours to watch a 2 hours movie. We had a few interruptions from the kids and we kept having to shut it off because we didn't want the girls to see what was actually on the screen. Olivia and Emily stayed up too late. Olivia was so tired Sunday morning.
Sunday we went to church and after we went to a Easter egg hunt. The girls had a great time! They ate a ton of candy. When we got home, the girls and I all took a nap together. I don't even remember the last time I took a 3 hour nap. IT WAS GREAT! Eli cleaned the garage out and returned bottles. The garage looks fantastic! He did a great job.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Just Rambling
Olivia's my chapstick and gum addict. She has finally found something else to eat. This morning I went to put in my contacts and they weren't in my case. I thought that maybe I put them in a different case or I was going crazy. Olivia comes up to me and says "Mommy I ate them and they are in my tummy".
WHY does my child do this? Why does she seek things out to put in her mouth? So apparently there is something else I need to start hiding from her. Sometimes I wonder what goes through her head. She truly is a special child!
Today I took the girls to get their pictures taken at Olan Mills. I think their pictures turned out pretty good. I really slacked on getting their pictures taken professionally. I do know that next time I take them, they will have separate sittings. I didn't know my kids could completely trash one small room in such a small amount of time. So sorry to that wonderful photographer!
I overheard Eli telling Olivia she was so beautiful. Then Olivia proceeded to tell Eli that he was a handsome big man. It was cute. I just started laughing. I don't think Eli thought it was as funny.
Speaking of Eli, I am now apologizing for ever getting angry to Eli for playing euchre or pool on the internet. I always thought it was a serious waste of time and it annoyed me that he was on the computer all the time. My reason..........I think I could become a backgammon freak! I started playing online on pogo last night and I didn't want to stop.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Everyday life
I have caught up. I want to keep up with my blog, finding the motivation and figuring out when to have the time to actually sit and think about when just happened is time consuming.
Makenna and Marina are napping. Erika and Olivia are outside playing. For a moment it is actually quiet in my house. What a beautiful sound!
Cathie and Emily came over for lunch today after gymnastics. Emily and Olivia were moved up to kindergym at Infinity Gymnastics.
I need to vent about some issues that are going on around work with gossip. There are just some days I am so fed up. I have issues with trust, especially with other women. Being a woman, it is difficult for me to say this but I just don't understand women. The games that are played and the back stabbing. I'm not saying that I am never at fault for anything, because I certainly have provoked situations. I just don't understand the reasons behind it.
Why can't women just be friends? True friends, without strings attached. To be honest. I feel like I'm on the defense constantly. I feel like women are constantly striving for attention, and if they don't get it from whom they desire, they take down any woman that they feel threatened by in the process.
Men just seem easier to me. I always had more guy friends until I was with Eli. They were always easier to talk to and easier to hang out with. They are honest and you didn't have to worry what they said about you when you left the room. They would say it right to your face and everyone would laugh about it. Well maybe not all men, some did try to get in my pants...but once you set them strait, they are true friends. Men are just horny and stupid sometimes, it's not personal. Luckily I was the 'cute' that liked to party and not one not the 'pretty' ones. It was hard to offend me with dirty jokes and God knows what else they talk about. Most of my life I was just one of the guys.
I know I am overly sensitive. I HATE confrontation and rejection. It truly frightens me. Sometimes I am not true to myself. I cannot stand when someone is angry with me or if they have bad feelings towards me. I get this horrible feeling inside. So I do run like the wind when things get too heated! I'm afraid to stand firm and be who I'm meant to be. Lately I've been really trying hard to go to God about it. To pray about it, and let him help me along. I just get impatient when things don't change right away.
I thank God everyday for the greatest friends that do trust and I have in my life today! I do believe that there are women that are sincere. That feel the same way I feel. I just need to realize that some women are in different stages in their lives. I just need to step back, be who God wants me to be and forget about it. Just give it up to him and he will do the rest. Wanting to change and actually changing are two separate things. This is my struggle, for today anyway.
Makenna and Marina are napping. Erika and Olivia are outside playing. For a moment it is actually quiet in my house. What a beautiful sound!
Cathie and Emily came over for lunch today after gymnastics. Emily and Olivia were moved up to kindergym at Infinity Gymnastics.
I need to vent about some issues that are going on around work with gossip. There are just some days I am so fed up. I have issues with trust, especially with other women. Being a woman, it is difficult for me to say this but I just don't understand women. The games that are played and the back stabbing. I'm not saying that I am never at fault for anything, because I certainly have provoked situations. I just don't understand the reasons behind it.
Why can't women just be friends? True friends, without strings attached. To be honest. I feel like I'm on the defense constantly. I feel like women are constantly striving for attention, and if they don't get it from whom they desire, they take down any woman that they feel threatened by in the process.
Men just seem easier to me. I always had more guy friends until I was with Eli. They were always easier to talk to and easier to hang out with. They are honest and you didn't have to worry what they said about you when you left the room. They would say it right to your face and everyone would laugh about it. Well maybe not all men, some did try to get in my pants...but once you set them strait, they are true friends. Men are just horny and stupid sometimes, it's not personal. Luckily I was the 'cute' that liked to party and not one not the 'pretty' ones. It was hard to offend me with dirty jokes and God knows what else they talk about. Most of my life I was just one of the guys.
I know I am overly sensitive. I HATE confrontation and rejection. It truly frightens me. Sometimes I am not true to myself. I cannot stand when someone is angry with me or if they have bad feelings towards me. I get this horrible feeling inside. So I do run like the wind when things get too heated! I'm afraid to stand firm and be who I'm meant to be. Lately I've been really trying hard to go to God about it. To pray about it, and let him help me along. I just get impatient when things don't change right away.
I thank God everyday for the greatest friends that do trust and I have in my life today! I do believe that there are women that are sincere. That feel the same way I feel. I just need to realize that some women are in different stages in their lives. I just need to step back, be who God wants me to be and forget about it. Just give it up to him and he will do the rest. Wanting to change and actually changing are two separate things. This is my struggle, for today anyway.
Monday, April 03, 2006
March 2006
In March, we took our annual trip to the Great Wolf Lodge in Traverse City. This year, I wasn't pregnant, so it was much more fun. The kids had a blast. They are getting older and I love watching them enjoy big kid stuff more and more. Jeff and I killed Eli and Diane in euchre.
I started babysitting Marina three days a week. For the most part, it is going pretty well. I definitely have my ups and downs. Not because of any child in particular, just being more of a stay at home mom and dealing with them all day and all night. Somehow I'm trying to juggle babysitting, working, being a Mommy of 3 and juggling housework and laundry. I give full stay at home moms a lot of credit. I like my 2 days a week at work. Some days I wish I worked full time. Some days I wish I didn't work at all.
My Aunt Martha (my Grandma's sister) died this month. She lived in Denver. I didn't know her all that well. She was a very angry person. I did feel bad for my Grandma though. She is loosing all of her friends and now her sister. It must be very difficult being older and loosing everything you know around you.
My Auntie Chris found out her ovarian cancer is progressing. It's hard to imagine having a Mom with this disease. CANCER SUCKS!!!!
A big event of the month would have to be that Eli had a vasectomy . I was sad. I cried a little too! I have to admit. But I think I was sad for the wrong reasons. I think I am afraid that Eli and I will never have that wonderful child birth experience. The one where you look at the love of your life and know that you love them at that moment more than ever before. Eli and I were always great at the whole childbirth experience. All very different, but wonderful. If Eli had not been there, holding my hand, walking me through it, it wouldn't have been that great!
Eli is my soul mate. The love of my life. I can just look at him and have instant relief. That "everything is going to be OK" feeling. I just remember the talks that we have had right after the girls were born and sobbing because I just wanted that feeling again. The ultimate love feeling you have for your child and for the father of your children. I know I don't want any more children. I love the three I have with all my heart!
I didn't think I could handle any more children. I feel like I am screwing them up already. Having the vasectomy was a good thing (not for Eli of course) but the right choice. I just have this weird feeling of closure that I wasn't ready for.
Eli and I alway seem to work great as a team under pressure. During chaos we are one! Always on the same page during really stressful times. It's the every day stupid stuff we seeming to have a hard time with from time to time. Sound crazy. It's just how it is.
I started babysitting Marina three days a week. For the most part, it is going pretty well. I definitely have my ups and downs. Not because of any child in particular, just being more of a stay at home mom and dealing with them all day and all night. Somehow I'm trying to juggle babysitting, working, being a Mommy of 3 and juggling housework and laundry. I give full stay at home moms a lot of credit. I like my 2 days a week at work. Some days I wish I worked full time. Some days I wish I didn't work at all.
My Aunt Martha (my Grandma's sister) died this month. She lived in Denver. I didn't know her all that well. She was a very angry person. I did feel bad for my Grandma though. She is loosing all of her friends and now her sister. It must be very difficult being older and loosing everything you know around you.
My Auntie Chris found out her ovarian cancer is progressing. It's hard to imagine having a Mom with this disease. CANCER SUCKS!!!!
A big event of the month would have to be that Eli had a vasectomy . I was sad. I cried a little too! I have to admit. But I think I was sad for the wrong reasons. I think I am afraid that Eli and I will never have that wonderful child birth experience. The one where you look at the love of your life and know that you love them at that moment more than ever before. Eli and I were always great at the whole childbirth experience. All very different, but wonderful. If Eli had not been there, holding my hand, walking me through it, it wouldn't have been that great!
Eli is my soul mate. The love of my life. I can just look at him and have instant relief. That "everything is going to be OK" feeling. I just remember the talks that we have had right after the girls were born and sobbing because I just wanted that feeling again. The ultimate love feeling you have for your child and for the father of your children. I know I don't want any more children. I love the three I have with all my heart!
I didn't think I could handle any more children. I feel like I am screwing them up already. Having the vasectomy was a good thing (not for Eli of course) but the right choice. I just have this weird feeling of closure that I wasn't ready for.
Eli and I alway seem to work great as a team under pressure. During chaos we are one! Always on the same page during really stressful times. It's the every day stupid stuff we seeming to have a hard time with from time to time. Sound crazy. It's just how it is.
Captivating Retreat
In February, I went to a womens retreat in Colorado with Cathie, Sherry, Alisa, and Shannon. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life. It was called Captivating. It's hard to believe it was 2 months ago. It is so sad that I am starting to forget the trip already. Especially when I swore to myself I wouldn't let myself forget.
The first couple of weeks home, I was a changed person. I was calm. I was at peace. Now, I feel like I did before I went. It was so beautiful there. So peaceful. It makes me realize how important it is to journal. Words and pictures can bring you back when you need it the most.
It was hard to leave my girls and Eli for the first time. I was gone 4 days. I felt like I was away forever for weeks. Being away made me miss them so much.
Happy New Year 2006
We spent New Years Eve over at the Meadors. We had the usual party for people with kids.
On January 4th 2006 Miss Marina was born!!! Makenna's going to have a forever best friend! Both mommy and baby did great!
Lauren celebrated her 5th birthday. We went to build a bear workshop. It was a little crazy but the kids had a blast!!!
On January 4th 2006 Miss Marina was born!!! Makenna's going to have a forever best friend! Both mommy and baby did great!
Lauren celebrated her 5th birthday. We went to build a bear workshop. It was a little crazy but the kids had a blast!!!
Erika is 6!
Erika turned 6! A whole bunch of us girls headed to Twelve Oaks Mall and had a "Big Girl" lunch at Max and Erma's. Then we went took the little girls to make their own bear at Build a Bear workshop. It was great watching all the girls learning how to shop for their bears!
December - Christmas 2005
I started back at work part time. Working on two days a week. Everything was the same as when I went on maternity leave. Nice to get out of the house, but feeling bad when I am away from the girls.
Christmas was great! The girls loved opening presents. Even if it wasn't theirs. Eli and I had invited the family over for Christmas Eve at our house. Then we celebrated Christmas day at Nana and Papa's. It was great watching the girls get all excited about Santa Claus. They are at such a fun age!
Monday, March 27, 2006
November 2005
November was a busy month. Eli's turned 30. We celebrated by going out with Cathie and Dave for dinner and then went dancing at the Rhino. Well the girls danced. The boys played golden tee and watched.
Eli and I celebrated our 8th anniversary, GO US!
The whole Marshal family went to St. Georges Island, Florida for a family reunion during Thanksgiving week. It was beautiful! All stayed in two beach houses off the ocean. It was cool but clear and sunny! A very much needed vacation before getting back into work after maternity leave.
Eli and I celebrated our 8th anniversary, GO US!
The whole Marshal family went to St. Georges Island, Florida for a family reunion during Thanksgiving week. It was beautiful! All stayed in two beach houses off the ocean. It was cool but clear and sunny! A very much needed vacation before getting back into work after maternity leave.
October 2005
In October, Eli's Mom and Steve came to visit. It was a good visit. They don't come out often and we don't get to go out there either. The only downfall to the trip was that Steve is severely allergic to cats. Luckily it was nice out and we were able to hang outside a bit. I had all the carpet and furniture cleaned and they stayed in Makenna's room and we kept the door shut. It is sad that we don't see Eli's family as much.
Ryan turned 2!
Olivia had a birthday - she turned 4. We had a bowling party for her and her "girlfriends". It was cute!
Halloween was fun. The girls loved it. Erika was Nala again and Olivia was a cow. Pregnant Kimmy, baby Makenna and I passed out candy while the boys took the girls trick or treating!
Ryan turned 2!
Olivia had a birthday - she turned 4. We had a bowling party for her and her "girlfriends". It was cute!Halloween was fun. The girls loved it. Erika was Nala again and Olivia was a cow. Pregnant Kimmy, baby Makenna and I passed out candy while the boys took the girls trick or treating!
September 2005
I'm going to do a low down on what happened during these months. So I can have something to look back on. In September, a few days before Makenna was born, Erika started kindergarten. I was sad sending Erika to school being 9 months pregnant and emotional. Her transition went great! She absolutely loves school, she loves her teacher! I am so proud of her!
Olivia is in 4 year preschool. Olivia as well, in school, she does great and loves it! Her teacher adores her. "Olivia is an angel at school!" Split personality maybe? Introducing Makenna was so fun! At first they were 'in love' with her. Then, Erika and Olivia were getting really jealous about a month into it. Erika was worse in the beginning. Olivia is worse now. But all in all they love their little sister! YEAH Schultz Girls :)
Oh, and Erika also lost her 1st tooth.
BABY HAS ARRIVED!!!
The ultimate love that is felt when bringing a child into you life is indescribable. I love her with all that I am! I wished that I kept writing and journaling. Having Makenna was life changing. Just as much if not more than with the Erika and Olivia. It was a great experience for Eli and I. Knowing that this is our last I find myself cherishing EVERY moment!
It has been awesome watching the girls interact with their baby sister. So it's official, Eli will forever be outnumbered.
THREE GIRLS! I have my hands full. Makenna is such a GREAT baby or maybe I have a better grip of what I am doing now. Having her initially made me feel like I wanted another, then every day life set in. Being a Mommy is such a gift but I definitely know my limits.We are a family of 5!
Friday, July 22, 2005
And the week goes on
This week seemed to go very ssssllllllllllooooooooooowwwwwwwwww. Was able to have dinner with Cathie, Sue, and Sherry. We didn't get home to midnight. When the four of us get together it is never ending. We are all very similar in how we feel about things. We all just talk and talk and talk. It's wonderful to relate to someone. I wish Sherry wasn't moving to California. I will truly miss her.
Being very tired at work yesterday really sucked. My day just dragged on and on! On the way home I got my hair cut. Did something a little different than what I'm use to, I needed a little change. I don't think Eli likes it. He is working today, then golfing, then going to Teds to play poker. So I won't see him probably for a couple days. We didn't see much of each other this week because I had to work late a few nights and dinner another night with the girls.Now onto his social life.
I'm watching Lauren today while Diane takes Ryan to the ENT. Hopefully she'll get some answers for him, poor baby. She seems to be struggling a little with Ryan and his attitude and health (ear infections).
I also need to go grocery shopping....dreading. It is going to be HOT today. This summer has been nasty. HOT AND HUMID! Being pregnant makes it that much worse.
My mom and dad are in Buffalo NY this weekend so we won't be going to see them this weekend at the boat Eli and I have a wedding to go to on Saturday for a girl at my work.
I should get in the shower to get motivated.
Being very tired at work yesterday really sucked. My day just dragged on and on! On the way home I got my hair cut. Did something a little different than what I'm use to, I needed a little change. I don't think Eli likes it. He is working today, then golfing, then going to Teds to play poker. So I won't see him probably for a couple days. We didn't see much of each other this week because I had to work late a few nights and dinner another night with the girls.Now onto his social life.
I'm watching Lauren today while Diane takes Ryan to the ENT. Hopefully she'll get some answers for him, poor baby. She seems to be struggling a little with Ryan and his attitude and health (ear infections).
I also need to go grocery shopping....dreading. It is going to be HOT today. This summer has been nasty. HOT AND HUMID! Being pregnant makes it that much worse.
My mom and dad are in Buffalo NY this weekend so we won't be going to see them this weekend at the boat Eli and I have a wedding to go to on Saturday for a girl at my work.
I should get in the shower to get motivated.
Monday, July 18, 2005
29 Weeks
Well now I'm about 29 weeks pregnant. I'm sick, and so is Erika. Both the girls just got out of bed and are eating bologna. I've been up since around 6:00am when Eli left for work. I didn't sleep very well last night. I think I might have fallen back asleep on the couch around 7:30 until just now. Diane wants to have a garage sale on Friday. So my goal is this week is to get some stuff together to sell. Shouldn't be too hard. The baby's room is all set up. Eli and the girls put up the crib last Monday while I took a nap. It was a wonderful surprise. I'm starting to get that anxious, when will this be over, stage of my pregnancy. I'm tired, emotional, and bored. I was very motivated a couple of weeks ago and now I just feel lazy.
Over the weekend Eli and I went to Brad and Joanns. Good food! Beer butt chicken, cheezy potatoes, corn on the cob, and an awesome salad. It was nice to be without the girls for a night. I wish Eli and I could spend more time together alone. Erika spent the night at my Grandmas for the 1st time. Olivia went to Dianes. They said they both had fun. Erika said she missed Olivia though. Which I thought it would be the other way around. Kimmy and I went maternity shopping together Friday night. She's starting to get a little belly! I'm so excited for her.
Over the weekend Eli and I went to Brad and Joanns. Good food! Beer butt chicken, cheezy potatoes, corn on the cob, and an awesome salad. It was nice to be without the girls for a night. I wish Eli and I could spend more time together alone. Erika spent the night at my Grandmas for the 1st time. Olivia went to Dianes. They said they both had fun. Erika said she missed Olivia though. Which I thought it would be the other way around. Kimmy and I went maternity shopping together Friday night. She's starting to get a little belly! I'm so excited for her.
Friday, July 08, 2005
3rd Trimester
I am now a little over 27 weeks pregnant now. I have officially entered the third trimester! YEAH It's almost over! There are some days that I am kind of sad because this is probably the last time I will ever be pregnant. I'll never have the feeling of the baby moving again, shopping for maternity clothes, getting the room ready, getting a little extra loving attention from Eli. Even though I hate being pregnant, I will miss those things terribly.
My emotions are a little crazy lately. I get upset about almost everything. The girls are irritating me for no reason. I'm snappy. I just want to get out the boxing gloves and beat the shit out of someone.
I went to a farewell dinner for Sherry Haase on Wednesday. It was sad. I will miss her! I think I'm also afraid that are small group will never be the same again. Sherry was kind of the one that tied us all together. She kept the small group going. The meetings we had together have helping me with finding myself and who I want to be as a person. It also let me know that I'm not the only one who is screwing up. Cathie, Sherry, and Sue are honesty and wonderful. It's different than hanging out with your friend you've known for a long time. I can't really explain why.
My small group is a place where I can just let it all out without strings attached, where you're not judged, you don't have to be right or wrong. There was a love and acceptance that I have never felt before with other women. It wasn't fake. I always feel welcome and at home.
I have nothing exciting planned for this weekend. I have to work on Saturday. I want to get a little more done around the house. Try and bond with my girls. Feeling distant.
Eli and I have some bonding to do as well. We haven't been on the same page for a week or two. Some of my words have been harsh lately. I'm trying to figure out why. I have a few things in mind. I've been doing some soul searching. I just hope I'm on the right track!
My sis called me this morning. I was so happy to hear from her! She's been on vacation. Their coming home tomorrow. I've really missed her this week! I vented about what has happened with my mom this week. She vented about her trip and Ryan. Then she had to go. I could tell that we just really missed each other. It was a good feeling. LOVE HER!
My emotions are a little crazy lately. I get upset about almost everything. The girls are irritating me for no reason. I'm snappy. I just want to get out the boxing gloves and beat the shit out of someone.
I went to a farewell dinner for Sherry Haase on Wednesday. It was sad. I will miss her! I think I'm also afraid that are small group will never be the same again. Sherry was kind of the one that tied us all together. She kept the small group going. The meetings we had together have helping me with finding myself and who I want to be as a person. It also let me know that I'm not the only one who is screwing up. Cathie, Sherry, and Sue are honesty and wonderful. It's different than hanging out with your friend you've known for a long time. I can't really explain why.
My small group is a place where I can just let it all out without strings attached, where you're not judged, you don't have to be right or wrong. There was a love and acceptance that I have never felt before with other women. It wasn't fake. I always feel welcome and at home.
I have nothing exciting planned for this weekend. I have to work on Saturday. I want to get a little more done around the house. Try and bond with my girls. Feeling distant.
Eli and I have some bonding to do as well. We haven't been on the same page for a week or two. Some of my words have been harsh lately. I'm trying to figure out why. I have a few things in mind. I've been doing some soul searching. I just hope I'm on the right track!
My sis called me this morning. I was so happy to hear from her! She's been on vacation. Their coming home tomorrow. I've really missed her this week! I vented about what has happened with my mom this week. She vented about her trip and Ryan. Then she had to go. I could tell that we just really missed each other. It was a good feeling. LOVE HER!
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Fourth of July
The weekend was beautiful. The weather was perfect!
After work on Saturday Eli, the girls and I headed out to mom and dads boat. We went for a boat ride and went to Proberts cottage for a barbeque. Then went to the see some fireworks on the water. We didn't get home till 3:00am that night. It's hard to maneuver a boat in the pitch dark with an hour boat ride back to the marina.
Sunday we went to Brad and Joanns cottage. The kids had a blast! We were there all day and played Texas Hold'em in the evening.
Monday Kimmy and Bobby came with us back to my parents boat. We hung out on the water all day and had a barbeque at the marina in the evening. Our evening finished with rain on the way drive home.
The girls stayed with my mom and dad because I had to work the next day. Eli picked them up on the way home from work at the boat. I really don't know what exactly was said between the two of them, but I'm getting two different sides of the story. All I know, either way you look at it, somehow, I'm the bad guy! Go figure. My mom wanted to keep the girls, she said Eli made her feel horrible and now I am to blame. I just love it!
I know my mother loves Erika and Olivia. I just cannot call her and have a "normal" mother/daughter conversation with her. Then she says I only call her when I need her to babysit. Such bullshit! I can't call the woman! She never wants to talk to me. Somehow I feel like a horrible person when I get off the phone. She takes everything I've ever done wrong in my life and loves to rub it in my face. It's like she kept track of every wrong and forgot about anything wonderful that I was ever proud of. Have I not done anything to make her proud?! To make her feel like 'WOW, I have a great daughter.' I guess I'm just one big huge disappointment. I feel I will never make her happy.
Wished the end of the weekend was as great as the beginning....
After work on Saturday Eli, the girls and I headed out to mom and dads boat. We went for a boat ride and went to Proberts cottage for a barbeque. Then went to the see some fireworks on the water. We didn't get home till 3:00am that night. It's hard to maneuver a boat in the pitch dark with an hour boat ride back to the marina.
Sunday we went to Brad and Joanns cottage. The kids had a blast! We were there all day and played Texas Hold'em in the evening.
Monday Kimmy and Bobby came with us back to my parents boat. We hung out on the water all day and had a barbeque at the marina in the evening. Our evening finished with rain on the way drive home.
The girls stayed with my mom and dad because I had to work the next day. Eli picked them up on the way home from work at the boat. I really don't know what exactly was said between the two of them, but I'm getting two different sides of the story. All I know, either way you look at it, somehow, I'm the bad guy! Go figure. My mom wanted to keep the girls, she said Eli made her feel horrible and now I am to blame. I just love it!
I know my mother loves Erika and Olivia. I just cannot call her and have a "normal" mother/daughter conversation with her. Then she says I only call her when I need her to babysit. Such bullshit! I can't call the woman! She never wants to talk to me. Somehow I feel like a horrible person when I get off the phone. She takes everything I've ever done wrong in my life and loves to rub it in my face. It's like she kept track of every wrong and forgot about anything wonderful that I was ever proud of. Have I not done anything to make her proud?! To make her feel like 'WOW, I have a great daughter.' I guess I'm just one big huge disappointment. I feel I will never make her happy.
Wished the end of the weekend was as great as the beginning....
Friday, July 01, 2005
Thank God for Fridays
It's Friday. Fourth of July weekend! YEAH! Totally sucks that I have to work tomorrow.
My house is a big mess and so are all the beautiful weeds growing in my yard. I'm not really sure what to start with. I don't have any strength or energy to do all the things I want to do and it's kind of frustrating.
Today is Diane's 31st birthday. The family is going to her house tonight for a barbeque. Sunday we are heading over to Brad and Joanns cottage for some fun on the lake. Monday to my Mom and Dads boat for another day on the lake.
The weather is suppose to be beautiful! I need a good weekend with Eli and the kids. To get away from this house and just have fun. I hope Eli is getting off work early today. I love long weekends with him. I'm trying to have a good attitude going into the weekend. The girls deserve it.
Well I'm going to do some Yoga - maybe I will feel better and I can get more motivated.
My house is a big mess and so are all the beautiful weeds growing in my yard. I'm not really sure what to start with. I don't have any strength or energy to do all the things I want to do and it's kind of frustrating.
Today is Diane's 31st birthday. The family is going to her house tonight for a barbeque. Sunday we are heading over to Brad and Joanns cottage for some fun on the lake. Monday to my Mom and Dads boat for another day on the lake.
The weather is suppose to be beautiful! I need a good weekend with Eli and the kids. To get away from this house and just have fun. I hope Eli is getting off work early today. I love long weekends with him. I'm trying to have a good attitude going into the weekend. The girls deserve it.
Well I'm going to do some Yoga - maybe I will feel better and I can get more motivated.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
It's a GIRL and I'm really a Mom?
Well, I'm 26 weeks pregnant now. Starting to get more uncomfortable everyday. I am just not one of those "I feel so beautiful" pregnant women.
Eli and I have been working like mad on the upstairs, trying to get everything ready for the baby. We installed new carpet and finished painting and it looks great!
The girls now have their bunk bed and we've put them together to ease into the transition. For the most part, it's going well. They like to talk and giggle at night when they should be going to sleep. It was cute the first few days. Now it's a little frustrating. I hope it passes soon. I really hope they like being together in the same room.
Eli reminded me today that I haven't been writing in my blog. I did start to a few times but was interrupted and was a little unmotivated searching for something to write about. So here I am now almost 2 month later. Better late then never...
I had my 20 week ultrasound. The baby is wonderfully healthy. The sex is not as concrete as I would like but the technician was 'pretty sure' it is a girl! GIRL NUMBER 3!!
For some reason, I feel like it is a boy but I'm not sure why. Maybe I just wished Eli had a boy to raise. I don't care either way. I just want a healthy baby. A happy baby. I do know for sure that I do NOT want another C-section, I'm going to try for a VBAC. I would like a nice childbirth experience, since this will probably be our last.
I know that God will give us what he thinks is best. That's all right by me. There is a reason for everything. There are times that I'm not sure why he gave me all girls though. I've always had a hard time relating to women. I would much rather be with a bunch of men, at least their honest. Dirty at times...but honest. I always thought I would have boys with all the testosterone running in Eli's veins.
Hopefully I don't completely screw up my girls. I don't know how to have a good mother-daughter relationship. I don't feel like I had the best one with my mom when I was growing up. We never talked like girlfriends. I pretty much went into puberty, sex, and boys completely blind! I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know what feelings were right or wrong or even if I was normal.
I want to giggle with my teenage girls, I want to talk about everything with them. I want to know their secrets. I want them to trust me with everything they have. I hope we have a great relationship with each other when their older.
The girls are blessed to have the Daddy that they have, Eli is wonderful. I wished I had a father like him growing up. NOT that I don't love my dad with all my heart, because I do. I just don't remember him around. He worked....A LOT and was so tired, from what I can remember. Eli gets down to their level, he plays, rough houses and is so real with them....the giggles can be heard miles away. He can relate to them on a different level that I can. I feel like I don't have the patience. Sometimes I wonder if God forgot to give it to me. Calm and patient is very difficult for me, it's not something that has ever come naturally. Some days I don't know how to talk to them...or sometime even play with them. If they don't do what I want or they are doing it the wrong way, I get irritated. UGH, shame on me, talk about controlling.
When was it that I forgot how to just act GOOFY! I was the class clown. Always happy and sarcastic...just goofy. Then one day, BAM - I'm some sort of horrible inpatient, crabby person. I've always knew when to take things seriously, just not at this level. I still knew how to joke and laugh and just be stupid.
Sometimes I wonder if my girls will see me as I saw my mother was when I was growing up. I remember there where times when I just thought she was the most angry, serious person that I had ever met. There were times I thought I was adopted or I was given to the wrong family. Having my fathers crazy ears reminded me that I belonged.
It seemed that most of my friends mothers were involved in their lives and happy. Most had their mothers to go to when everything seemed hopeless. I wished I could have had a shoulder to cry on and have my Mommy tell me everything was going to be OK! "You'll get through this and I love you". I hope my girls don't ever feel that I'm not there for them.
My parents gave me more that I deserved, materialistically speaking. I just think that I would have liked a few hugs and kisses and some I LOVE YOU's here and there. I don't want to be that kind of parent but I can feel myself slipping into that direction.
I believe relationships that exist on my side of the family would be very different if Eli wasn't a part of our lives and wasn't so close to my father. I pretty much wrote my family off when I was dating my ex. I was ready to adopt his family and be done with mine. I think in a way Eli has made our family closer.
My parents are wonderful people. They are human too! Everyone is a products of their parents and so on and so on. They meant well. I'm sure they tried hard. I saw things differently than they did when I was younger. I remember having a lot of hate in my heart. I remember wondering when things would get better and asking myself "When will my parents be less angry?". I took many things personally, I blamed myself for things I shouldn't have blamed my self for.
I wonder what it would have been like if I married someone who didn't have any love my Mom and Dad or didn't 'get' my family dynamics. I truly believe I would have only seen my family at holiday get-together's.
I am so blessed and lucky to have my sister. Without her I would be lost. I pray to GOD everyday that Erika and Olivia are as close....so they have each other all the time through good times and bad. I want dinners on Sundays with the girls and their husbands and kids (grand-kids). What if their husbands don't like Eli and I, and they steal our girls from us? I really think I could loose them if I don't treat them all the love they deserve.
I had a ton of things I wanted to get accomplished and now it's not going to happen. I'm just rambling now....and thinking about things I hid away a long time ago.
Eli and I have been working like mad on the upstairs, trying to get everything ready for the baby. We installed new carpet and finished painting and it looks great!
The girls now have their bunk bed and we've put them together to ease into the transition. For the most part, it's going well. They like to talk and giggle at night when they should be going to sleep. It was cute the first few days. Now it's a little frustrating. I hope it passes soon. I really hope they like being together in the same room.
Eli reminded me today that I haven't been writing in my blog. I did start to a few times but was interrupted and was a little unmotivated searching for something to write about. So here I am now almost 2 month later. Better late then never...
I had my 20 week ultrasound. The baby is wonderfully healthy. The sex is not as concrete as I would like but the technician was 'pretty sure' it is a girl! GIRL NUMBER 3!!
For some reason, I feel like it is a boy but I'm not sure why. Maybe I just wished Eli had a boy to raise. I don't care either way. I just want a healthy baby. A happy baby. I do know for sure that I do NOT want another C-section, I'm going to try for a VBAC. I would like a nice childbirth experience, since this will probably be our last.
I know that God will give us what he thinks is best. That's all right by me. There is a reason for everything. There are times that I'm not sure why he gave me all girls though. I've always had a hard time relating to women. I would much rather be with a bunch of men, at least their honest. Dirty at times...but honest. I always thought I would have boys with all the testosterone running in Eli's veins.
Hopefully I don't completely screw up my girls. I don't know how to have a good mother-daughter relationship. I don't feel like I had the best one with my mom when I was growing up. We never talked like girlfriends. I pretty much went into puberty, sex, and boys completely blind! I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know what feelings were right or wrong or even if I was normal.
I want to giggle with my teenage girls, I want to talk about everything with them. I want to know their secrets. I want them to trust me with everything they have. I hope we have a great relationship with each other when their older.
The girls are blessed to have the Daddy that they have, Eli is wonderful. I wished I had a father like him growing up. NOT that I don't love my dad with all my heart, because I do. I just don't remember him around. He worked....A LOT and was so tired, from what I can remember. Eli gets down to their level, he plays, rough houses and is so real with them....the giggles can be heard miles away. He can relate to them on a different level that I can. I feel like I don't have the patience. Sometimes I wonder if God forgot to give it to me. Calm and patient is very difficult for me, it's not something that has ever come naturally. Some days I don't know how to talk to them...or sometime even play with them. If they don't do what I want or they are doing it the wrong way, I get irritated. UGH, shame on me, talk about controlling.
When was it that I forgot how to just act GOOFY! I was the class clown. Always happy and sarcastic...just goofy. Then one day, BAM - I'm some sort of horrible inpatient, crabby person. I've always knew when to take things seriously, just not at this level. I still knew how to joke and laugh and just be stupid.
Sometimes I wonder if my girls will see me as I saw my mother was when I was growing up. I remember there where times when I just thought she was the most angry, serious person that I had ever met. There were times I thought I was adopted or I was given to the wrong family. Having my fathers crazy ears reminded me that I belonged.
It seemed that most of my friends mothers were involved in their lives and happy. Most had their mothers to go to when everything seemed hopeless. I wished I could have had a shoulder to cry on and have my Mommy tell me everything was going to be OK! "You'll get through this and I love you". I hope my girls don't ever feel that I'm not there for them.
My parents gave me more that I deserved, materialistically speaking. I just think that I would have liked a few hugs and kisses and some I LOVE YOU's here and there. I don't want to be that kind of parent but I can feel myself slipping into that direction.
I believe relationships that exist on my side of the family would be very different if Eli wasn't a part of our lives and wasn't so close to my father. I pretty much wrote my family off when I was dating my ex. I was ready to adopt his family and be done with mine. I think in a way Eli has made our family closer.
My parents are wonderful people. They are human too! Everyone is a products of their parents and so on and so on. They meant well. I'm sure they tried hard. I saw things differently than they did when I was younger. I remember having a lot of hate in my heart. I remember wondering when things would get better and asking myself "When will my parents be less angry?". I took many things personally, I blamed myself for things I shouldn't have blamed my self for.
I wonder what it would have been like if I married someone who didn't have any love my Mom and Dad or didn't 'get' my family dynamics. I truly believe I would have only seen my family at holiday get-together's.
I am so blessed and lucky to have my sister. Without her I would be lost. I pray to GOD everyday that Erika and Olivia are as close....so they have each other all the time through good times and bad. I want dinners on Sundays with the girls and their husbands and kids (grand-kids). What if their husbands don't like Eli and I, and they steal our girls from us? I really think I could loose them if I don't treat them all the love they deserve.
I had a ton of things I wanted to get accomplished and now it's not going to happen. I'm just rambling now....and thinking about things I hid away a long time ago.
Monday, May 02, 2005
It's May
Well I guess I'm only motivated to write in my blog on Mondays.
I am raising a Great Dane puppy because some breeders are stupid idiots. I'm starting to get attached to him - it's the maternal pregnant thing that's hitting me, at least that's what Eli thinks...he's probably right. The girls named him "KODA" (from 'Brother Bear').
Busy week ahead. Gymnastic, birthday parties, work, babysitting Ry guy and small group (which I don't really feel like going to). I'm in my not so social mood again.
Taking a road trip to Tennessee and have to get motivated to pack. I have a headache that I just can't get rid of. I would live to stay in my p.j.'s all day and not get out of bed.
I'm going on my 18th week of pregnancy, starting to feel the baby move more and more. This is my favorite part of being pregnant.
Work sucks. I'm sick of young little inexperienced girls, who think they're all that and a bag of chips. I just don't understand the lack of respect people have for other people. I feel like I give people many chances - once they screw me over, our relationship is over. I have a HUGE problem with forgiveness! I also seem to remember every little detail of how I was wronged in some way. How horrible is that? I need to try harder and forgiving and forgetting, because someday it will eat me up inside.
Well off to enjoy watching my girls have a ball at gymnastics. I pray that my week will go by nicely. I need all the patience I can get right now.
I am raising a Great Dane puppy because some breeders are stupid idiots. I'm starting to get attached to him - it's the maternal pregnant thing that's hitting me, at least that's what Eli thinks...he's probably right. The girls named him "KODA" (from 'Brother Bear').
Busy week ahead. Gymnastic, birthday parties, work, babysitting Ry guy and small group (which I don't really feel like going to). I'm in my not so social mood again.
Taking a road trip to Tennessee and have to get motivated to pack. I have a headache that I just can't get rid of. I would live to stay in my p.j.'s all day and not get out of bed.
I'm going on my 18th week of pregnancy, starting to feel the baby move more and more. This is my favorite part of being pregnant.
Work sucks. I'm sick of young little inexperienced girls, who think they're all that and a bag of chips. I just don't understand the lack of respect people have for other people. I feel like I give people many chances - once they screw me over, our relationship is over. I have a HUGE problem with forgiveness! I also seem to remember every little detail of how I was wronged in some way. How horrible is that? I need to try harder and forgiving and forgetting, because someday it will eat me up inside.
Well off to enjoy watching my girls have a ball at gymnastics. I pray that my week will go by nicely. I need all the patience I can get right now.
Monday, April 25, 2005
Busy Monday
Just finished doing bills. I HATE bills.
Last week was OK - Wednesday was my birthday. Went to lunch with Mom, Sis, Grandma, Aunt, and the kiddos to Brighton Bar and Grill. Made me realize how nasty people can be. Thanks to the lovely old couple who can't stand children.
I don't understand why people are so outwardly rude! I'm not saying that I'm never rude, but I try really hard not to make people feel like crap.
Today I help in out in Olivia's class, it was very cute. Olivia loved having her Mommy there. I even got to check on Erika and suprise her in the large motor room - She was even more excited. After school we were off to gymnastics. I love watching the girls.
I felt the baby on Friday. I was excited. I'm at the stand still in my pregnancy. Where I feel really fat but don't feel really pregnant. I have ants in my pants and I just want to find out if it's a boy or girl - it's driving me crazy.
Eli's golfing today. I really wish he wasn't. I feel like I didn't get to see him that much at all this weekend. The house is a mess and I feel completely un-motivated!
Last week was OK - Wednesday was my birthday. Went to lunch with Mom, Sis, Grandma, Aunt, and the kiddos to Brighton Bar and Grill. Made me realize how nasty people can be. Thanks to the lovely old couple who can't stand children.
I don't understand why people are so outwardly rude! I'm not saying that I'm never rude, but I try really hard not to make people feel like crap.
Today I help in out in Olivia's class, it was very cute. Olivia loved having her Mommy there. I even got to check on Erika and suprise her in the large motor room - She was even more excited. After school we were off to gymnastics. I love watching the girls.
I felt the baby on Friday. I was excited. I'm at the stand still in my pregnancy. Where I feel really fat but don't feel really pregnant. I have ants in my pants and I just want to find out if it's a boy or girl - it's driving me crazy.
Eli's golfing today. I really wish he wasn't. I feel like I didn't get to see him that much at all this weekend. The house is a mess and I feel completely un-motivated!
Monday, April 18, 2005
Where did the weekend go?
This weekend was nice. Saturday we had Kimmy, Bobby, and Dave over for dinner. Then the guys played drinking games while Kimmy and I watched "Closer" (stupid movie).
Sunday, Eli and Bobby put up a new swing set for the girls. Dave helped once in a while. Kimmy and I went shopping for a lawn swing, but was unlucky.
Some exciting news-Kimmys going to be a MOMMY!!!!!! I'm so excited for her. I think she's a little nervous. We got on the computer and figured out her due date and stuff - December 28th. So our new little ones should only be around 3 months apart. She's going to be such a great mom. I pray that this pregnancy will go well for her - She deserves it.
Today, Olivia stayed home from preschool. She's still not feeling well. So I had to take her to my doctors appointment. She was excited to hear the baby's heartbeat. Then I had Ryan for a couple hours and managed to get a 45 minute nap. I feel horrible. I started my second round of antibiotics today. I can't wait for all the sickness to exit the Schultz household.
I made my ultrasound appointment today - It's May 18. So hopefully we can find out the sex then. Eli is golfing right now. Erika is watching spongebob and Olivia is still napping. My Mom and Dad got their boat on Friday. They were on it all weekend. I think my mom was disappointed that we didn't go see it. Eli had some things to do before the sprinklers get put in tomorrow. Hopefully that goes well.
Sunday, Eli and Bobby put up a new swing set for the girls. Dave helped once in a while. Kimmy and I went shopping for a lawn swing, but was unlucky.
Some exciting news-Kimmys going to be a MOMMY!!!!!! I'm so excited for her. I think she's a little nervous. We got on the computer and figured out her due date and stuff - December 28th. So our new little ones should only be around 3 months apart. She's going to be such a great mom. I pray that this pregnancy will go well for her - She deserves it.
Today, Olivia stayed home from preschool. She's still not feeling well. So I had to take her to my doctors appointment. She was excited to hear the baby's heartbeat. Then I had Ryan for a couple hours and managed to get a 45 minute nap. I feel horrible. I started my second round of antibiotics today. I can't wait for all the sickness to exit the Schultz household.
I made my ultrasound appointment today - It's May 18. So hopefully we can find out the sex then. Eli is golfing right now. Erika is watching spongebob and Olivia is still napping. My Mom and Dad got their boat on Friday. They were on it all weekend. I think my mom was disappointed that we didn't go see it. Eli had some things to do before the sprinklers get put in tomorrow. Hopefully that goes well.
Friday, April 15, 2005
Bad Mood!
Well the girls are sick. Erika has an ear infection and a cough, Olivia has a cough. I was up all night with Erika coughing. Had to get out of bed a couple of time to wake up Eli, who never ended up coming to bed. So I didn't get much sleep.
I woke up to jello being all over the hallway carpet and Erikas room and V8 juice spilled all over Erikas carpet - THANK YOU OLIVIA! She is such a slob! If she has it, she'll spill it!
I'm so tired! I am done watching over Eli and his sleep habits. If he doesn't want to come to bed - SO BE IT! If he's late for work - SORRY! NOT MY FAULT! Some days I feel like all I do is babysit! At work and at home! I know it's not my job to watch over people but it's an annoying habit that I have. I need to just worry about myself (and my children) and let it go, because everytime I try to help - I get screwed, and nobody seems to care!
Today I feel like I have been holding back tears ever since I woke up this morning! I just feel like screaming! I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life. I don't want to talk to anyone about it because I just get more angry and then I sound like a horrible person. I don't know how to explain myself without coming off like a nasty bitch of a person, and lately I feel like NOBODY knows me, understands me or even cares!
Poor Dana, well sorry, I am having a bad day. I feel like I have so much love for everyone in my life and nobody truely knows how much I love them. I am so misunderstood and it is so FRUSTRATING. I'm completely irrational and don't know how to deal with my feelings correctly. I know that....I'm working on it! I feel like I speak a different language than everyone else, that everyone is in this wonderful popular group and I wasn't invited. Am I back in junior high?
What kind of wife, mother, and friend am I. Lately I don't want to even talk to my friends, I just want to be left alone. How do I push my feelings aside? Is it possible? Why does it seem that everyone else has such a better handle on life than I do? Sometimes I feel I am the way I am, LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME. How selfish am I?
I woke up to jello being all over the hallway carpet and Erikas room and V8 juice spilled all over Erikas carpet - THANK YOU OLIVIA! She is such a slob! If she has it, she'll spill it!
I'm so tired! I am done watching over Eli and his sleep habits. If he doesn't want to come to bed - SO BE IT! If he's late for work - SORRY! NOT MY FAULT! Some days I feel like all I do is babysit! At work and at home! I know it's not my job to watch over people but it's an annoying habit that I have. I need to just worry about myself (and my children) and let it go, because everytime I try to help - I get screwed, and nobody seems to care!
Today I feel like I have been holding back tears ever since I woke up this morning! I just feel like screaming! I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life. I don't want to talk to anyone about it because I just get more angry and then I sound like a horrible person. I don't know how to explain myself without coming off like a nasty bitch of a person, and lately I feel like NOBODY knows me, understands me or even cares!
Poor Dana, well sorry, I am having a bad day. I feel like I have so much love for everyone in my life and nobody truely knows how much I love them. I am so misunderstood and it is so FRUSTRATING. I'm completely irrational and don't know how to deal with my feelings correctly. I know that....I'm working on it! I feel like I speak a different language than everyone else, that everyone is in this wonderful popular group and I wasn't invited. Am I back in junior high?
What kind of wife, mother, and friend am I. Lately I don't want to even talk to my friends, I just want to be left alone. How do I push my feelings aside? Is it possible? Why does it seem that everyone else has such a better handle on life than I do? Sometimes I feel I am the way I am, LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME. How selfish am I?
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Auntie Chris
Well today is Wednesday. Eli and the girls went out to get KFC so I thought I would take a second to write.
Today, I found out that my Auntie Chris has stage III ovarian cancer! I have been thinking about her all day and I just want to cry. It really put my life into perspective and made me realize how wonderful my life actually is. Nobody in my immediate family is sick or dying. When I was younger I lost my grandfather, but I was so young I don't really remember him. Later I lost a few friends from High School.
I lost my Uncle Pat (my Auntie Chris's husband) about 10 years ago to a sudden heart attack. I would have to say, loosing my Uncle Pat has probably the hardest, just because he was a big part of my life and a big part of my parents life. It crushed my father. It hurt to see my parents hurting.
I wonder how people go through their day without thinking about people they have lost. I am truly blessed to have my family. Even though sometimes I wonder why I love them all so much when we argue! I decided that I need to start cherishing moments more and more. To stop dwelling in the past. Stop looking into the past so much and try to live life in every moment and enjoy it to the fullest. It's a hard thing to do!
I need to start being happy about all the wonderful things and wonderful people in my life! I pray that God will give me the strength. I pray and lift my Auntie Chris up to him! I pray that my Uncle Pat will keep her safe and watch over her. Please help her and give her the strength she will need. Also give strength to her family and children-they have already lost one parent!
I understand when God wants you with him, it's suppose to be a wonderful thing. I just don't understand why the pain is so strong for the people left behind. Why do people have to suffer before he decides what he wants to do with you? When I think about death and suffering I question God. Is that right or wrong?
Sometimes I have to admitt, I get angry with him for letting it happen, when he has the power to give people peace. This is my struggle.
Today, I found out that my Auntie Chris has stage III ovarian cancer! I have been thinking about her all day and I just want to cry. It really put my life into perspective and made me realize how wonderful my life actually is. Nobody in my immediate family is sick or dying. When I was younger I lost my grandfather, but I was so young I don't really remember him. Later I lost a few friends from High School.
I lost my Uncle Pat (my Auntie Chris's husband) about 10 years ago to a sudden heart attack. I would have to say, loosing my Uncle Pat has probably the hardest, just because he was a big part of my life and a big part of my parents life. It crushed my father. It hurt to see my parents hurting.
I wonder how people go through their day without thinking about people they have lost. I am truly blessed to have my family. Even though sometimes I wonder why I love them all so much when we argue! I decided that I need to start cherishing moments more and more. To stop dwelling in the past. Stop looking into the past so much and try to live life in every moment and enjoy it to the fullest. It's a hard thing to do!
I need to start being happy about all the wonderful things and wonderful people in my life! I pray that God will give me the strength. I pray and lift my Auntie Chris up to him! I pray that my Uncle Pat will keep her safe and watch over her. Please help her and give her the strength she will need. Also give strength to her family and children-they have already lost one parent!
I understand when God wants you with him, it's suppose to be a wonderful thing. I just don't understand why the pain is so strong for the people left behind. Why do people have to suffer before he decides what he wants to do with you? When I think about death and suffering I question God. Is that right or wrong?
Sometimes I have to admitt, I get angry with him for letting it happen, when he has the power to give people peace. This is my struggle.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Thank GOD it's Friday
Today is a beautiful Friday! I just took the girls to preschool and I am getting ready to do some bills. This week went OK. I am so glad that the sun is shining this morning, it really helps me get out of bed.
Erika drew a family picture while we were at my sisters house yesterday. I have to say...she is quite the artist. She even drew a baby in mommy's belly! It was great! She is growing up so fast, when I think about it, I just want to cry. I hope that she know how much love I have for her. Sometimes I don't think I show it the way I should. She has always been such a good girl. I guess I don't feel like I give her enough attention. She is so independent. She can't wait for the new baby.
I just pray that Erika and Olivia never feel left out when the new baby comes.
Erika and I went on a field trip on Wednesday to "Have Trains Will Travel". It was cute, Erika is a social butterfly. When I was picking up Erika for field trip, Olivia was in the hallway and school painting an "anaconda", she didn't even see me. I just watched her. She such a different child at school, so quiet and calm. Finally she looked up and looked right at me with a BIG smile and said "Hi Momma - I'm painting a conda, SEE, I love you momma" then continued to paint. It was so precious. My heart was melting!
Eli has really been helping out. More this time than my other pregnancies. I'm starting to feel a little guilty and I don't really understand why. I hope that I am a good wife. There are some days that I'm not so sure. I think I'm a little to needy. I am trying to change for the good, there are days though that I think I am just plain selfish and there is no changing me.
Abby is coming to stay the weekend with the girls. They are so excited. I would like to get a swing set this weekend. It is suppose to be beautiful all weekend. I hope so!
Erika drew a family picture while we were at my sisters house yesterday. I have to say...she is quite the artist. She even drew a baby in mommy's belly! It was great! She is growing up so fast, when I think about it, I just want to cry. I hope that she know how much love I have for her. Sometimes I don't think I show it the way I should. She has always been such a good girl. I guess I don't feel like I give her enough attention. She is so independent. She can't wait for the new baby.
I just pray that Erika and Olivia never feel left out when the new baby comes.
Erika and I went on a field trip on Wednesday to "Have Trains Will Travel". It was cute, Erika is a social butterfly. When I was picking up Erika for field trip, Olivia was in the hallway and school painting an "anaconda", she didn't even see me. I just watched her. She such a different child at school, so quiet and calm. Finally she looked up and looked right at me with a BIG smile and said "Hi Momma - I'm painting a conda, SEE, I love you momma" then continued to paint. It was so precious. My heart was melting!
Eli has really been helping out. More this time than my other pregnancies. I'm starting to feel a little guilty and I don't really understand why. I hope that I am a good wife. There are some days that I'm not so sure. I think I'm a little to needy. I am trying to change for the good, there are days though that I think I am just plain selfish and there is no changing me.
Abby is coming to stay the weekend with the girls. They are so excited. I would like to get a swing set this weekend. It is suppose to be beautiful all weekend. I hope so!
Sunday, April 03, 2005
I'm on my way
Well this is my first entry. I'm not really sure why I am doing this, but I think it is a good thing for me. I hate actually writing on paper and I'm not that great when it comes to keeping a journal so here I go!
Today is Davids birthday, the big 25. The boys...Eli, Dad, Jeff, and Dave are out golfing for the first time this season. It's a little chilly outside but I hope they are enjoying themselves.
My 2 daughters Erika and Olivia are in the other room watching Little Bear. They are low key today because of being up late last night and getting up early for church - Also the time change - Loosing an hour, gotta love the spring forward. I was thinking of napping but decided to do this instead.
I almost 14 weeks pregnant and all of a sudden decided I have not been keeping notes on how my 2 children have already grown. I remember when I was a little girl and I found a journal that my mother wrote in, there was only a couple of entries, but I remember them. I always that when I grew up I and had children of my own that I wanted to do that - Just so my children and I could have something to look back on. I feel like life is going by so quickly and I am already starting to forget the wonderful and exciting things that have happened in my life. This is a start I suppose.
I feel like I am at a stressful time in my life. Maybe because I'm pregnant or maybe because I am forgetting who I am and what God wants me to be. So I am in a search for 'calm'.
Sometimes I wonder if I have become someone that others want me to be. Am I being true to myself? How to be your TRUE SELF? I feel that some people have a better grasp of who they are. What's their secret?
I remember a time in my life when I was truly happy! I'm not sure if I am still TRULY happy. I know that I am doing 'ok' but not like I should be. I can only blame myself. For possibly falling into a routine, I should have recognized.
I know that Eli is frustrated with my attitude sometimes and together we are not who we use to be. I know I love him with all my heart. Well anyways. I pray that this will help me find my way.
Today is Davids birthday, the big 25. The boys...Eli, Dad, Jeff, and Dave are out golfing for the first time this season. It's a little chilly outside but I hope they are enjoying themselves.
My 2 daughters Erika and Olivia are in the other room watching Little Bear. They are low key today because of being up late last night and getting up early for church - Also the time change - Loosing an hour, gotta love the spring forward. I was thinking of napping but decided to do this instead.
I almost 14 weeks pregnant and all of a sudden decided I have not been keeping notes on how my 2 children have already grown. I remember when I was a little girl and I found a journal that my mother wrote in, there was only a couple of entries, but I remember them. I always that when I grew up I and had children of my own that I wanted to do that - Just so my children and I could have something to look back on. I feel like life is going by so quickly and I am already starting to forget the wonderful and exciting things that have happened in my life. This is a start I suppose.
I feel like I am at a stressful time in my life. Maybe because I'm pregnant or maybe because I am forgetting who I am and what God wants me to be. So I am in a search for 'calm'.
Sometimes I wonder if I have become someone that others want me to be. Am I being true to myself? How to be your TRUE SELF? I feel that some people have a better grasp of who they are. What's their secret?
I remember a time in my life when I was truly happy! I'm not sure if I am still TRULY happy. I know that I am doing 'ok' but not like I should be. I can only blame myself. For possibly falling into a routine, I should have recognized.
I know that Eli is frustrated with my attitude sometimes and together we are not who we use to be. I know I love him with all my heart. Well anyways. I pray that this will help me find my way.
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