"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us." ~ Helen Keller
One of many doors is officially slammed shut and I am trying really hard not to stand there like an ass and stare at it like I can change what just happened. It's time to finally accept that and move on to the next door. Just because the door shut doesn't mean the memories and the happiness needs to fade.
New door, new memories, new attitude, new outlook. Time for change.
I do not want to be lost in limbo. I don't want to become some shell of a once happy person. I am ready to admit that it wouldn't take much to push me over the edge. Defense in gear and walls are up. I am in the 'don't f#$& with me' mode. I am finding myself secluded in my own little mental mess and I don't want anyone looking in and analyzing it.
Everyone has a room, a closet, a basement or even a drawer that they keep to themselves and don't want anyone finding or seeing how unorganized or cluttered it is OR God forbid what is actually in the drawer!
Just because I let you get a glimpse of my mess does NOT mean I asked you to help me fix it nor did I ask for your pity. Who really wants pity? I guess there may be some people who do, some that may even thrive on it. I don't understand how. The thought of it makes me run the other direction.
Venting about a problem and asking for help with that problem are two different things. I am not one of those people who accept handouts with grace, I don't like to accept handouts at all. Maybe it's the feeling of pity, maybe it's my stubbornness, maybe it's the thought of letting my guard down and looking weak, maybe I feel like I don't even deserve it sometimes.
I know how frustrating it is when people I love won't accept help, especially when I know they need it. I accept 'no', as hard as it is sometimes. Sometimes you just have to allow people to fall on their ass. You can't cushion every fall, as painful as it can be to watch sometimes. I don't push, even with my children....they need to fall, everyone does...safely. I give space for failure, I give space for mistakes. Is that wrong?
I do know that when I say NO, I mean it. I don't say 'no' to just be nice because I don't want to put you out, I REALLY MEAN NO! I try to give people this same respect. If someone insists or keeps pushing me, I start to get pissed and the whole shutting down and shutting out process starts happening. It's all about control. I get it. Doesn't mean I'm going to change.
Eli took a long weekend after 3 double shifts. He went back to work this morning. Other then Thanksgiving day, we didn't let anyone into our world. We had no plans, no obligations. Eli just knew. He knew I needed a social hiatus and that I was on the verge of loosing complete control. He did not push me. He let me be quiet. He let me be angry. He let me be sad. He let me grieve. Every time I started to fall, he was right there. Every time I needed to walk away from the girls, he stepped in. When I wanted to talk, he listened. He didn't try to analyze it. He was my needed comic relief as well as scaring me silly late one night (you'd think I'd be used to his pranks).
Eli is the only one close to me that truly understands the depth of crap because he's standing in most of it with me. He knows my past, present and glimpse of a future. Eli sees that next door of happiness. He has for a long time, I truly believe that, but he knew I had to see it on my own. He has always been patient that way. As much as he wanted to jump up and down screaming, "look, look, don't you see it? It's right there!", he didn't. He just let me be!
I know I am frustrating. I know I look like I'm ignoring people, shutting people out, antisocial and that I'm angry at the world. I don't care. I needed this. I needed the silence. There is nothing that will undo what is already done.
What I wouldn't give right now to be standing there on that balcony with that view....
My hand is on the doorknob.
